


Searching For Shadows

by nihil_goddess



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Drama, Drama & Romance, Emotional Manipulation, Explicit Language, Gay Sex, M/M, Minor Violence, One-Sided Relationship, Smut, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2019-02-12 10:23:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 40,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12957204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nihil_goddess/pseuds/nihil_goddess
Summary: What happens when you love someone so deeply that you're willing to let them take the most precious parts of you, of your heart? Will you chase them until your legs give out? Will you follow them into the fire, burning and disintegrating until there's only fractions left of you...in the end you're left gasping for air...falling, reaching, searching...only ever touching shadows.





	1. Chapter 1

The sound of skin moving against skin, pleased moans, whispered curses, the maelstrom that is the unity of two bodies.

More, faster, _love me harder_...these words are uttered through clenched jaws. Hands grabbing hair almost desperately. The air thick with the heady scent of carnal desires.

This is how it always went with the two men. The days were long and strenuous but the nights became effortless, full of lust and love. They'd get tangled up in each other and forget about the world and anything else that nagged at them. Their time together was theirs, everything could be up in flames, but as long as they were wrapped up in each other, nothing else mattered.

"Uru, look at me," the man with the auburn hair whispered devotedly, the other man with hair that shone as brightly as the morning sun whimpered, his gaze following his lover's.

"Kai..." He breathed out, he wrapped his legs tighter around the other body that molded perfectly against his. He felt drunk off of the feelings that surged through his veins, their movements almost animalistic.

This was their dance, a dance that had an unspoken rhythm. During the days they belonged to the world, to their friends, but at night, they belonged to each other.

"Oh god...I'm gonna..." Uruha moaned, he threw his head back as Kai caught him in a deep and messy kiss, swallowing his greedy groans.

"Come for me..." Kai whispered fervidly in his ear. Uruha did just that, he could feel the fire in the pit of his stomach lessen as he released allover his stomach. Their bodies moving against each other making a mess of everything, heated skin, sticky, _delicious_ they thought.

Not long after, Kai could feel himself coming undone in the heat of Uruha's body. He tensed up, throwing his head in pleasure as he finally let himself go in between those distinctive thighs. Kai tried to calm his breathing as he gazed into Uruha's eyes. "You're so beautiful," he spoke softly as he planted one small kiss on the others mouth.

However, even through those hooded eyes he could see a hint of doubt, something he was seeing too often in the blonde's eyes. Kai knew he wasn't the first to love Uruha, he also knew he wouldn't be the last. But the breakup that Uruha had endured prior to Kai was something that still haunted him to this day.

It had been one of Kai's good friends. A man well-liked by others, handsome, strong, someone that had intimidated him, yet Kai still considered him a friend.

Aoi was his name.

Aoi had begun to date Uruha and Kai had to hide how he really felt. Kai loved Uruha. He had always admired the guitarist, his beauty, his elegance, he loved to be with him and to talk to him. He knew he could count on him for everything. But everything wasn't enough for Kai. He held resentment in his heart because he couldn't admit that his best friend was dating the person he loved and cared for the most.

Through forced smiles and awkward hugs, he'd show he that he cared, but it caused him a great deal of pain to keep pretending. After years Kai made himself believe he was over Uruha. It still hurt to see them together, but he had grown used to the pain.

But that’s when it all began to change. He saw how Aoi and Uruha began to grow apart, how their kisses and soft embraces became a thing of the past. The hostility that Kai witnessed made him realize that maybe things were headed for a dead end.

And from one day to the next Uruha and Aoi had ended their relationship.

Kai held Uruha as he cried that day. He wiped away tears and reassured him that everything was going to be okay. Kai felt torn due to the fact that both men were his friends. He tried to keep the peace between them and tried to be there for them both equally.

Despite his feelings for Uruha, he wanted to be there for him, he pushed aside his own feelings and decided that he'd rather be a good friend.

However, those tender moments and friendly gestures began turning in a direction that Kai didn't know he wanted to go into. Uruha started spending more nights at Kai's place and after a few months of Kai being there for him, they began to move into new territory.

Kai dared to kiss Uruha on one particular night, a night that begun like any other night. Just the two of them hanging out and watching TV, but eventually they began to feel like they wanted more from each other. Kai's hand had wondered down to grab Uruha's, and Uruha didn't push him away.

He simply _let him._

Kai didn't know how it happened, but eventually he found himself kissing those plush lips that he had always wanted to taste. Those lips that belonged to a person that drove him wild to say the least. Those sinful lips.

Eventually those kisses led to other sorts of touching, and before they knew it, they had wrapped themselves into their own fantasy land where they could finally show each other what they were feeling.

Kai would never forget how those elegant and long legs wrapped around him as he slid slowly and then roughly into the other body writhing under him. It felt like a dream, it was a dream, Kai believed. But what he held in his hands was tangible, he knew after that night that Uruha would finally be his. Kai knew that being with Uruha wasn't going to be easy. He knew about a certain someone who would definitely not be happy about him dating his ex-boyfriend. Kai knew that he had to tell Aoi, it wouldn't be fair to him.

Dating Uruha was one thing, but lying, lying was something Kai never wanted to do.

One particular evening Kai and Uruha had gone out for drinks, they both knew what they were, neither of them wanted to admit though. It had been months since Uruha's breakup and Kai knew that going into the public eye with him would somehow be okay.

Their date night was going perfectly fine as they both sat in the booth of their favorite bar. Uruha ordered some fruity drink and Kai simply ordered a beer. Kai couldn't wipe the grin off his face as he kept looking at Uruha, he was ecstatic that this gorgeous man was his _boyfriend_ , if he dared to call him that.

"Fancy seeing you here," Kai heard a familiar voice call out. It was Aoi.

Kai could feel his heart beating faster and his face losing color as he saw a very tipsy Aoi make his way to their booth. "Kai, it's nice to see you pal!" Aoi laughed out drunkenly as he nudged Kai on the shoulder. Kai smiled sheepishly as he greeted his friend back.

He didn't even acknowledge Uruha as he just kept talking, seemingly to himself.

Uruha looked blatantly uncomfortable as he looked away from Aoi. He looked like he was ready to cry, Kai noticed.

Both Kai and Uruha looked at each other in a very conspicuous manner, clearly wondering why the dark haired man was still standing there talking to them. However, despite his enebriation, he caught on.

"Wait," Aoi began as he let out an amused laugh, "don't tell me you guys are together...?"

"Actually, it's none of your business," Uruha retorted as he finally looked up at Aoi, his eyes glazed with anger, "so I think you should leave."

Aoi couldn't help but chuckle as he clutched the beer in his hand tighter. "Really Uruha? You're trying to ruin someone else's life again? so soon?"

"Aoi I really think you should go now," Kai blurted out suddenly, not liking the tone in the other's voice one bit.

"Hey man don't tell me what to do!" Aoi's voice rose an octave, people around the bar looking at them suspiciously.

Uruha sighed heavily as he tried to sink lower into the booth, he didn't want this to escalate further.

Kai was in no mood to take shit, so he stood up, fully intending to get rid of Aoi. He shot him a warning look and then tilted his chin up, indicating him to leave him and Uruha alone.

"Whatever," Aoi rolled his eyes, a grin forming on his face as he leaned close to Kai's face, "I just hope you like the way my cock tastes."

In that moment Kai had no idea what took over him as his vision suddenly turned blindingly red, he didn't want to, he didn't want to..but...he picked his fist up and punched Aoi right on his mouth with all the strength he could muster.

"Shut your fucking mouth," Kai hissed through gritted teeth, he had no clue where this strength came from as he glared at Aoi.

The other man fell back some, quickly regaining his composure as he realized what had just happened. He smiled wickedly as he wiped his hand over his mouth, there was crimson liquid smeared on his fingers from Kai's blow.

This served to ignite him further. Without hesitation he punched Kai back in the same manner in which Kai had.

Uruha shot up out of his seat, and quickly pushed Aoi away from his lover.

"Stop it! Are you fucking insane!?" He yelled, "Aoi just get the fuck out, leave us alone!"

Aoi's demeanor had turned hostile and vicious as he shot daggers at Uruha and Kai. He pushed the other man's hand away and walked away without glancing back.

"Kai! Are you okay?" Uruha suddenly turned his attention to his injured lover.

"I'm okay, thank you Uru," Kai let out a soft smile as blood trickled from his mouth. "Let's get home, now." Uruha grabbed his hand and made his way through the crowd that had gathered to watch the "fight".

As soon as they made it home Uruha rushed Kai to the bathroom where he began to tend to his wound. Aoi had busted up Kai's lip pretty bad and it broke Uruha's heart to see his former lover being such a cruel bastard. However, it hurt him more to see his current lover, his _boyfriend_ , in physical pain. Neither Uruha or Kai had uttered the words boyfriend to each other, they were together that much they knew, but a sliver of hesitance still lingered around that term.

"I can't believe he did this," Uruha felt tears streaming down his face as he pressed a cotton swab dipped in alcohol to Kai's lip. "I'm so sorry Kai..." Kai only grimaced as the alcohol stung his flesh, he knew none of this was Uruha's fault. Aoi had no right to barge in on their date night and ruin their evening.

"Uru..." Kai whispered as he grabbed Uruha by his waist, "I love you."

"I love you too Kai," Uruha closed his eyes as he pressed his plush mouth to Kai's, careful not to press too hard. "Please don't be sorry, we both didn't know he was going to show up," Kai mussed Uruha's hair back pressing more kisses to his face. "He...he's not a violent person..." the blonde trailed off, "I've never in my life seen that Aoi, he was someone else."

"He was drunk off his ass," Kai added, "he wasn't himself. I just don't know what we're going to do. We have band practice tomorrow, it's going to look suspicious if both Aoi and I show up with busted lips."

"We don't have to go to band practice tomorrow," Uruha said softly, a tone of desperation in his voice, "we can play hooky and stay in bed all day." He let out a soft breath as he pressed his body against Kai's, letting him know exactly what he had in mind.

"Hmm, now that's something I can get behind," Kai smirked, hands trailing down to grab a handful of Uruha's ass. The blonde moaned into Kai's ear, he didn't want to their evening to get completely ruined, he still owed Kai a date night. "Why don't we take this to the bedroom?" Uruha whispered huskily against the greedy mouth attacking his. "You read my mind Uru," Kai followed after Uruha and watched as his lover sprawled himself on their bed.

Despite their sour evening Kai couldn't help but feel grateful as he imagined the amazing sex he was going to have with Uruha. Both of their pulses were racing, with either rage or lust and they could only think of one way to release that pent up frustration.

"Come here," those words dripped down lips that were almost too beautiful to deny. Kai felt himself walking, no, floating towards Uruha. He climbed on top of him, kissing his thighs as he made his way up his torso. He let one of his hands start to push up Uruha's shirt exposing that gorgeous milky skin. The blonde's flesh prickled slightly from the cool air of the bedroom and the sweet wet kisses Kai placed on him.

Kai could tell Uruha wanted nothing more than for him to love him in that moment, to make him feel wanted and desired. Kai knew that what Aoi had done had made a small cut in Uruha's heart, his fragile soul couldn't take it and as his protector, Kai knew he had to somehow make it better, no matter how much it emotionally pained him to know that his lover still held some sort of pent up feelings towards the other man.

A man that Kai knew he would never be able to call his friend again.

He loved Uruha more than anything, he would put himself in harms way if it meant keeping Uruha safe and happy. Kai yearned to see that smile play on Uruha's lips, he loved kissing him and telling him just how special he was to him. Any frustration Kai felt, he would push away, hide it deep inside of him. His caring nature sometimes made it hard for Kai to love without pain, but he knew deep down that Uruha was worth all the pain...right?

Kai forced those thoughts from his mind as he watched Uruha beneath him, his eyes lighting up as the realization struck that his creature was _his._

All those years of playing the drums had made Kai excellent with his hands. He knew that with a touch here and a touch there he could have Uruha writhing beneath him. As soon as he pushed Uruha's pants and shirt out of the way, leaving him naked and anticipating his next move, Kai extended his arm out, not once disconnecting from Uruha's lips, and grabbed the small bottle of lubrication that was always conveniently on their nightstand. Uruha bit down teasingly on his bottom lip as he heard the distinct click of the tube.

"God, Uru," Kai breathed, chest tight with fervor as he let the liquid drip down one of his fingers. He pressed a finger against the heat of the other body beneath him, earning him a small gasp in the process. "Fuck," Uruha groaned throwing his head back. Kai smiled to himself, pressing yet another finger inside, scissoring them just a bit.

"I never get tired of this," Kai murmured.

"Of what?"

"Of pleasing you," he smiled once more as he retrieved his fingers and began unbuttoning his pants, a very obvious part of him craving some relief. Uruha felt himself shiver with excitement as he pressed his body against Kai, urging him to just take him.

"I want you, so bad," Uruha mumbled, helping Kai get his pants off hurriedly. "You have me Uru, all of me," Kai panted as he pressed his mouth to Uruha's, skillfully guiding his cock inside of his lover.

Both men instantly gasped at the overwhelming feeling. The blonde felt his senses overloading as the other took him slow at first, acquainting himself with the heat and passion inside of him, and then began taking him faster.

Kai paid no mind to the stinging sensation of his lip as Uruha gently nibbled on it. It was still tender and sore, but all he cared about in that moment was making his lover happy.

Kai felt himself thinking about the events that had transpired earlier that evening, he could feel his thrusts getting rougher, Uruha crying out beneath him at the sudden show of aggression. But then the drummer felt a feeling of satisfaction wash over him as he realized who those pleased cries belonged to. He knew that Aoi probably hated his fucking guts, but Kai had gotten the last laugh in a sense. Uruha was his, he knew this.

He smiled as he pounded his boyfriend into the bed, laughing just as a bit, simply because of how all of this had played out. Kai would've never thought in a million years that Uruha would be...

"What are you laughing at?" Uruha moaned out, his fingers tightening their hold on Kai's arm.

"Nothing Uru," Kai let out, pressing a kiss to the other's forehead, "I just couldn't be happier right now."

The blonde wrapped his legs tighter against the firm body pressing into him, he could feel himself nearing his end. He had felt incredibly aroused earlier when he saw how quick Kai was to defend him, he knew he was twisted for feeling something still for Aoi...he knew this, he knew that he loved Kai..but he wanted something that he couldn't have, at least not anymore.

Kai began stroking his lover, kissing away all of his worries and frustrations that were always so painfully obvious on his face. He could feel the other letting go allover his hand and abdomen, this further set fire to Kai's body and he could feel himself letting go as well. He thrust deep and hard into Uruha, kissing him lovingly, hungrily and.... _predatorily._

"Fuck," he cursed out, one last thrust and he collapsed on top of the guitarist. They laid there in silence, slowly catching their breath. Uruha drew gentle patterns on Kai's back, feeling the other press lazy kisses to his neck.

"I love you," Kai breathed out. Uruha shut his eyes tight, one single tear streaming down his cheek, "I love you too."


	2. Chapter 2

Several months had gone by since the bar 'incident', since the event that had left an ugly scar in Kai and Aoi's friendship. They managed to at least speak to each other, they had no real choice, being in a band together meant they needed to interact.

Aoi had apologized for acting so out of character, but Kai could tell in his voice that he still held resentment. He knew he'd never be fine with him being with Uruha. They never went back to being how they were, they would only ever see each other for band practice or during their live shows, the rest of the time Aoi would ignore him and Uruha.

As time had gone by, Kai had forgotten about his insecurity in his and Uruha's relationship. He knew that the guitarist loved him and he saw nothing further than that. Any feelings of uncertainty had vanished, and all Kai wanted to do was play music and love his boyfriend.

 _Boyfriend._ That word held meaning now, it had started as a taboo term, but they grew accustomed to it and soon it became official. They had uttered that word to each other finally, the hesitance that once lingered had diminished and both of them felt at ease, they were...happy.

However, all good things must come to an end...

"I'm home!" Uruha yelled as he stepped inside his and Kai's apartment, he closed the door gingerly behind him.

He noticed as his lover walked over to greet him, his face instantly lighting up as he took in the different person standing in front of him. "Well, do you like it?" he blushed instantly as Kai smiled at him, that million dollar smile of his.

"I love it Uru, it really suits you," the drummer ran his fingers through smooth locks of chocolate brown hair, it felt silky and wonderful in his hands. "I didn't know you were getting rid of the blonde," he added, placing a kiss to Uruha's lips.

"I was getting tired of the blonde, I told the hairdresser to surprise me, and this is what he came up with."

"Well I love it," Kai mused, "it makes you look more...exotic?"

Uruha laughed out loudly as he took his shoes off and made his way to the couch, "Hm, I don't know about that."

Kai smiled inwardly, making himself comfortable on the couch next to his lover. "I guess this means you're no longer my angel...a sexy devil might be more suiting."

"Hm, why can't I be both?" the newly dyed brunette purred as he began climbing on Kai's lap, "I can be your angel in the outside world and your devil when it's just you and I."

Kai could feel himself getting hard just hearing Uruha talk like that, but his lust was put on hold when the phone began ringing, that obnoxious shrieking noise. Both of them grunted in unison.

"I'll get it," Uruha placed a small kiss on Kai's lips as he went to get the phone, the other sighed in desperation, who the hell still called anyway?

"Oh hi mom," the guitarist jokingly rolled his eyes as Kai watched him on the other end of the room, "yeah, I'm fine, how are you doing? how's dad?"

"Yes, Kai is here." Kai quickly shook his head, motioning his hands to let Uruha know he didn't want to talk to his mother, "He says hello," Uruha giggled lightly, giving his lover a wink.

Kai loved Uruha's mother and how open and accepting she had been of his and Uruha's relationship. He knew that in part he had to thank Aoi for that, considering how they had been together all that time, he assumed that Uruha's mom had made peace with the fact his son was who he was. Uruha's father, however, wasn't as thrilled, but he couldn't say anything due to the fact that Uruha was a grown ass man and could make his own decisions.

"I believe so," the brunette exclaimed, "we'd love to, can't wait! see you then! love you."

Kai shook his head disapprovingly as Uruha hung up the phone and went to claim his spot back on the couch, "What did you do?" he asked, already fearing the answer.

"My mother invited us to go her house for dinner this weekend, and I said we'd love to go," Uruha couldn't help but laugh at Kai's instant frown, "Oh come on, my family isn't so bad!"

"I love your family, but I'm sure they only liked me when you and I were just friends..."

"Oh stop it," the other interrupted him, "listen, my mom is the only one who matters, well her and my sisters, but they're not gonna be there, my mother loves you Kai, she's let me know that nothing has changed regarding that, so you have nothing to worry about."

"What about your father...won't your uncle be there too? aunts?"

Uruha simply brushed him off, "fuck them, who cares? I'm with you and that's all that matters." He placed a fervent kiss on Kai's pouting mouth, "now stop worrying, what do you wanna have for lunch?"

Kai smirked and without hesitation he pinned his brunette boyfriend to the couch, kissing him breathless, "You."

 

*****

 

"Are you all packed up?" Uruha asked as he finished placing all his belongings in his small bag. They had decided to spend the night at his parent's house, they figured it would be better instead of trying to rush home that same night. Uruha's parents lived a few hours away, so it just made sense. This was the first time Kai was going to their house. They had come to their place before for dinner, but them going there was a big deal. It almost felt like a test, like they wanted to see how he'd behave around them in their home. This shook Kai to the core, he wanted to make a good impression, even though it wouldn't be the first, he still wanted to look good nonetheless.

"Yes," the drummer sighed, taking his bag with him, "are you ready to go?"

"I guess so, you know if you don't want to go we don't have to."

"What?" Kai tried feigning a smile, "of course I want to go, you should know how nerve-wracking it can be to go your boyfriend's parent's house."

Uruha laughed out loudly, "I still can't believe that...that we're together," he let the smile fall from his lips and something akin to sadness washed over his face. Kai brushed it off as nothing as he kissed Uruha, wanting again to take away his pain in the only way he knew how.

"I'm sorry, I'm thinking too much," the guitarist giggled into the kiss and hugged Kai, "let's go."

Uruha's parent's house was exactly how Kai had imagined it. Very traditional, many photos of Uruha when he was growing up, of his sisters, of his nieces, they seemed to be a very close family. He smiled when he saw that they had a picture of the band, an old picture, yes, but it was endearing that they owned a framed picture of their son with his band-mates.

"Kouyou!" Uruha's mother exclaimed the minute they both walked through the door, she couldn't contain her excitement as she hugged her son. Uruha smiled as he embraced his mother, carelessly dropping his bags on the floor, "Hi mom, it's nice to see you too!"

"You dyed your hair! Were you bored of being blonde?" she chuckled a bit as she ruffled Uruha's hair.

"Yes, it was definitely time for a change."

Kai grinned at the exchange, he had particularly always been close with his mother too. "Hi Mrs. Takashima," he began, "it's lovely to see you again." Her smile softened as she gave Kai a hug, he felt taken aback for a moment but hugged her back anyway.

"Are you boys hungry?" she asked pulling away, already trying to pick up their bags to take them to Uruha's bedroom.

"Don't worry about that mom," taking the bags from her Uruha began walking upstairs, "we're gonna settle in, it was a long drive."

"Alright, I'll let you boys know when dinner is ready. As always, make yourselves feel at home." Kai nodded and followed his boyfriend upstairs, he was both excited and nervous to be sleeping in the same room, and in the same bed with Uruha...in his parent's house. There was something thrilling about it. But he definitely didn't want to disrespect a house that didn't belong to him. He already felt uneasy about being there, he didn't want to fuel any fire.

"I'm glad they let me have my own room here and not force me to sleep on the couch," the guitarist began, instantly letting his body fall on the big fluffy bed in the room.

"Why wouldn't they Uru?" Kai sat down next to him, gently tracing his hand down a smooth and enticing torso.

"I would've thought by now they'd make this room an office or something," Uruha let out an amused laugh, shuddering slightly as Kai grabbed his hand. Their gazes locked for an instant and Kai could see a hint of fear in Uruha's eyes, denial...perhaps? He felt his stomach turning but then those feelings quickly evaporated, and he snapped out of it as Uruha stood up.

The former blonde began looking at forgotten objects on his dresser absentmindedly. Kai rubbed his temples tentatively, suddenly being filled with all sorts of unfavorable feelings as he tried to process the look he saw in Uruha's eyes. He knew better, right? He knew had nothing to worry about, yet he couldn't help but worry.

Despite himself, he stood up as well and wrapped his arms around the guitarist. He nuzzled his face in the other's neck, sighing deeply as his nostrils were infiltrated with that distinct smell that belonged to Uruha, a mix of cologne and sweet fruit. "What's on your mind Uru?" Kai held him tightly, feeling the other breathing steadily.

"I'm not too sure if I'm being honest," Uruha spun around and faced Kai, a shy smile present on those plump lips.

"Still thinking too much?"

"I guess so," the brunette whispered, "but I can't deny that I'm a little turned on right now."

Kai felt himself blushing, "Really now?" he chuckled, "in your parent's house though?"

"Who cares, it's not like we're doing anything illegal," Uruha wrapped his arms around Kai's neck and pulled him in for a long and deep kiss, "tell me you wouldn't want to fuck me right now..."

Those words alone had Kai shivering with arousal, he knew he wanted this. It didn't matter to him that they were merely feet away from Uruha's parents and that at any minute they could barge in. Kai was never one to be risky, but the heat that was radiating from Uruha's body had him thinking otherwise.

He held the other firmly by his hips and spun him around yet again, Uruha let out an amused laugh as he pressed his back teasingly against Kai's groin. Soft curses escaping his lips as he felt his pants being pulled down in the most torturous manner.

Kai wasted no time pulling his hardened cock out and running in down Uruha's ass in the most delicious way, it was slick with pre-cum and though he didn't want to hurt his lover, they didn't have time for foreplay. "Just...just go ahead," Uruha moaned out wantonly, his legs spreading more urging Kai to take him already.

The drummer ran his hands down the long expanse of Uruha's clothed back, stopping at his hips and grasping them steadily as he watched his cock slip inside, gasping as each inch began vanishing before his eyes, "Fuck," he cursed, shutting his eyes and resting his chin on the other's shoulder he started thrusting forward.

Uruha cried out softly, stifling any louder sounds from coming out of his mouth as he balanced himself on the piece of furniture he was being fucked against, "Right there, don't stop," he bit his bottom lip hard, clenching around Kai's length. What they were doing was so bold yet exciting, and Kai felt a surge of dominance wracking his body, without warning he wrapped a hand around Uruha's throat squeezing gently and quickening his thrusts.

"Oh god," those soft moans began coming in louder and Kai tightened his grip, he opened his eyes for a moment and couldn't help his eyes from wondering to the items on the dresser. He just noticed random items, nothing of importance, until he saw...a bottle of cologne. Kai's eyebrows furrowed, he knew that bottle, he'd seen it before, it didn't belong to Uruha, it belonged to... _him._

Kai felt that rush of dominance intermingled with envy make its way through his body again, the mere thought of Aoi fucking Uruha in that same way, against that very piece of furniture, in that room...it had him seeing red yet again. Not acknowledging his own physical strength, he didn't even notice when his movements became violent, he fucked Uruha roughly, too rough, his hand around Uruha's throat cutting off his air supply.

"K-Kai...s-s-stop..." the guitarist struggled to speak, "y-you're hurting m-me..." It took Kai a moment to snap out of his trance, grunting as he pulled out of Uruha's body. He felt ashamed that something so trivial could ignite such anger in him. "I-I'm so sorry," he sat on the bed, his mind racing and making it hard to think clearly, "I-I don't know what happened."

Uruha pulled his pants back up, not even turning around to look at Kai, and with the door shutting roughly, he was gone.

Kai fell back against the bed, sighing desperately, how was he still letting Aoi affect him like this? He knew it was futile to run after him, he had no clue what he was going to say. _I saw Aoi's cologne on your dresser and the mental imagine of him fucking you in your bedroom pissed me off_ , yeah, he didn't think so.

He knew how much Uruha despised jealousy, and he could never tell him that he was still jealous. He was always going to be jealous that Aoi had him at one point, he wished that Aoi would've never met Uruha. Kai knew he was selfish, but he didn't care, and though Uruha was his now, his insecurity regarding the past would flare up from time to time.

Dinner was uneventful. Uruha's family wasn't the most talkative and Kai was endlessly thankful for that. He cough himself throwing glances at Uruha, who was still ignoring him. He knew he had fucked up, but bad enough to give him the silent treatment?

"Kai you've barely touched your food," Uruha's mother pulled Kai out of his thoughts, "is everything alright?"

He nodded meekly, "Yes, I apologize Mrs. Takashima, this is an excellent meal." His appetite had pretty much disappeared and the sight of food nauseated him, but he didn't want to be rude.

He hated when Uruha would shut him out like that, the guitarist was too good at that. Whenever he'd get even the slightest bit upset he would dissociate from reality and always leave Kai wondering. Kai knew it was how Uruha was, and though he wasn't a fan of his behavior, he tolerated it anyway. 

"So, Kouyou, how are things with your band?" Uruha's father asked, he wasn't a fan of the heavy music his son produced, but he supported him regardless.

"Things are great actually," Uruha answered confidently, "isn't that right Kai?" Kai swallowed hard, not wanting to meet Uruha's eyes because he knew the fire he'd see staring back at him.

"They are," he cleared his throat, "you know, we work very hard. We always communicate with each other, which I think is an important thing for people who are very close to do."

"You're right Kai," Uruha smiled wickedly, "communication is key, however, it's also important to listen to your band-mates, you'd be surprised by the things they have to say." The drummer knew the kind of game his lover wanted to play, but he didn't want to indulge him, so he just remained quiet, going back to messing with the food on his plate, at this point devoid of any appetite.

Uruha's father gave them a confused look, but ultimately shrugged it off. Whatever his son was talking about, he didn't really care to understand.

"You mind telling me what all that was about?" Kai nearly barked as soon as they were in the privacy of Uruha's room, at this point they had all retreated to their bedrooms for the night.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Uruha absentmindedly went back to fixing up the bed, fluffing up his pillows and then getting in.

"Could you just tell me what's on your mind?" Kai sat next to Uruha, touching his arm tentatively, but the other paid him no mind. "Just go to sleep," he swatted him away and turned to lay on his side. Kai sighed heavily, rolling his eyes he turned on his side of the bed, wanting to just go to sleep so he didn't have to deal with the mental bullshit that was bound to keep him up at night. He turned off the light, the room bathed in darkness and silence, leaving Kai with only his thoughts for the night.

As anticipated, he couldn't sleep. He wondered why what had happened had upset Uruha so much? _You could've killed him, dumbass_ , or at least really hurt him, Kai thought. What was for sure was that he didn't want to talk about it. These specific thoughts plagued Kai the remainder of the night. Sometimes it was almost too difficult to read Uruha and his thoughts, he worried too much and it had begun to weigh on him. Kai just felt...helpless. He had no clue how to help Uruha, because he never communicated his frustrations. He couldn't guess all the time, something has got to give.

Waking up the following morning was a task. Kai had only gotten in maybe one or two hours of sleep, give or take. However, much to his surprise, he awoke to a very sleepy Uruha cuddled against his naked chest. Kai's eyes widened at the realization yet he didn't move, he simply remained there with the other nuzzled against him. Everything felt okay in that precise moment, there were no arguments, no doubts, just him and Uruha...that's it.

A sudden movement from the guitarist had Kai opening his eyes again, he didn't want the moment to end, he just wanted to be wrapped up with his lover, nothing more and nothing less.

Uruha groaned and then he detangled himself from Kai's embrace, turning his body the other way. Kai felt the absence of warmth against him and he suddenly felt empty. He didn't understand how another person could have so much control over him, he didn't know whether to be okay with that or utterly and desperately confused.

The morning consisted or feigning smiles as he ate breakfast with Uruha's family. Uruha had smiled at him at least, a tired and probably forced smile, but a smile nonetheless.

Kai felt an overwhelming sense of guilt as he sat there, again, barely touching his food. He knew this probably ticked off Uruha's mother, but he had other things preoccupying his thoughts.

After saying their good-byes Kai couldn't wait to leave, he didn't mind being at Uruha's parent's home, they were very kind to him, but he wanted to go home. He missed being in his space, with his things, with his Uruha...

As expected the ride home was silent. Kai had volunteered to drive, just to avoid any further conflict. He was growing sick of the silence, of the weirdness that had suddenly crept in his and Uruha's relationship. Kai fully understood that he fucked up, but he didn't understand to what degree. The lack of communication from Uruha was driving him mad, he wanted him to say something, anything!

Stepping into their apartment both of them felt relieved. Uruha adored his parents, he loved spending time with them, but he could only take them in small doses. Kai on the other hand didn't like leaving the comfort of his own apartment much, going to Uruha's parents wasn't as bad he had thought, they were lovely to him, Uruha though, not so much.

"I'm going to shower," Uruha suddenly commented, leaving his overnight bag by the living room he began making his way to the bathroom, when Kai cut in.

"So, what? You're not going to say anything to me? Why won't you talk to me Uruha?" he could feel his temper rising, something he hated showing because it was very unlike him.

"There's...there's nothing to talk about," the guitarist felt cornered, he didn't like to see Kai upset, but he was upset also, angry was the better word, he just didn't know how to go about explaining his reasons.

"Yes, there is, you haven't said a word to me after what happened yesterday," Kai began calming down, he didn't want to blow up, not like the night at the bar. "Just talk to me, please, I'm begging you."

Uruha bit down on his bottom lip nervously, he knew he was being difficult, but it made sense to him in that moment. "What happened yesterday could've been avoided," his voice shaky and unsure, "not the sex, rather, how it happened."

"Well no shit, but I wanted to apologize, hell, I still do Uru. I wanted to tell you that but you shut me out." Those feelings of over-protectiveness were starting to creep up on Kai, yet he wanted to express his frustrations with his lover. The way he was handling the situation was pitiable.

Uruha's eyes fell the floor, his breathing becoming shallow, "You saw didn't you..."

"Saw what?"

"Y-You saw his things...Aoi." Uruha's voice had fallen to a mere whisper. That name had become like poison to him. Kai didn't want to admit it, but he did. He saw the cologne, he wondered what else Aoi had left behind in Uruha's room. It made his blood boil, but all he could do was admit it. "Yes..."

"Do you understand how much you scared me yesterday Kai?" there it was again, that tone in Uruha's voice that had Kai wanting to just hold him, reassure him that everything was going to be fine. But absolutely nothing would ever be fine.

"You weren't Kai, you were this thing...you held me with such rage and... _hate_." As Uruha spoke, Kai could only listen, he knew he had lost control during their small rendezvous, but just how far did he go?

"I didn't think seeing Aoi's old things would make you so angry, guess I was wrong."

"Uru, you have no idea how sorry I am about yesterday. I would never want to hurt you, it's tearing me up inside that I did what I did, I am so sorry. I was an idiot," Kai was frantic, he just wanted to touch the other, apologize in kisses, but he knew he couldn't.

"Yes, you are an idiot. I want to understand why you still let him affect you this way...I understand that he was your friend..." the guitarist looked down, guilt washing over his face as he said this. Aoi had been Kai's best friend, yes. Kai had lost his friendship to be with Uruha. As far as he knew, he didn't regret it.

"Uru, do you understand what you mean to me?" these words were easy to say, especially because Kai knew just how true they were, "I love you more than I've ever loved anything, anyone...knowing Aoi had you once...well, it burns me."

"But why?!" Uruha demanded, "why does it? he's not here anymore, he's not with me...he's in the past, and that's where he'll stay!" Tears, frenzied tears running down his face. Not holding back anymore, Kai held him. His heart swelling with concern for Uruha. God, he cared so much, too much.

"I've never in my life been with someone like you, been in a situation like this one," Kai spoke softly, grip tightening around the slender frame in his arms, "I'm in a band with the love of my life and with someone who probably considers me his enemy. It's not easy, being with you isn't easy, Uru..."

He could feel Uruha slipping away from him, instantly he wanted to retract the last statement. "Uru, I'm sorry I didn't mean it for it to come out like that," but Uruha had walked away, slamming the door to the bathroom.

"Uruha! Come back!" Kai shouted, "God fucking dammit!" bags went flying around the room as he kicked them with all the strength he could muster. Why did he always fucking run away? Why couldn't he just speak to him?

Kai mindlessly grabbed his cigarettes and keys and then headed out. He needed to clear his mind, though he didn't want to, he knew it best to leave the situation. Nothing he could do or say was going to make Uruha see it his way.

Starting the engine to his car, Kai sat there for a minute. Looking into the distance and again asking why he kept doing this. Why? Why couldn't he walk away? He had never met a more complicated person...Uruha was becoming too much, but Kai knew, he knew he could never walk away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so I'm gonna try to update weekly at least, because dang ya'll writing is very time consuming and I don't have thaat much time, but I'll definitely make it a thing to update as frequently as I can! Thank you for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

The park was mostly empty, and for this he was very thankful. Working on his fourth cigarette, Kai looked around him. Wondering about people's lives and how they dealt with difficult situations. Maybe it was because he had never been in a serious enough relationship that he didn't understand what they really consisted of. Every aspect of his and Uruha's relationship was becoming overbearing and Kai was beginning to think that being with him was a mistake.

Shaking off those thoughts nonchalantly, Kai stubbed out his cigarette and sighed deeply. He knew from the get go what being with Uruha would entail. He knew it would never be easy, considering the grudge that Aoi held against him and the fact that he had the band to think of. Despite all of this, Kai took the chance anyway. The love he had for the guitarist had grown and yes, he was in fact in love with him. However, this love he had for him was gradually becoming painful.

He was putting himself second and he knew this. Uruha's happiness had taken priority, and though Kai wasn't entirely against this at the start of their relationship, it was now beginning to weigh on him.

Reluctantly, the drummer stood up and walked over to the coffee shop near the park. It was a chilly November day and he craved some warmth. He clearly wasn't going to receive it at home.

The small yet cozy coffee shop was very inviting. Kai eagerly drank his cup of piping hot coffee, casually scrolling through his phone, a part of him hoping that Uruha would try to call or text him. But he knew him better than that, Kai knew that his very emotional and dismissive boyfriend would probably be in bed watching TV or playing video games as if nothing had happened, while also slowly suffocating his own feelings. Uruha was too good at that, at shutting people out, at ignoring his problems. This always drove Kai crazy, he never understood the denial that the guitarist lived in.

A wave of guilt started to wash over Kai and it had him wanting to rush home and try to work things out. He wanted to make himself believe that this was all his fault, that the mistake he made the day prior and what he had said earlier were the culprits in this mess. But he wasn't the one to blame for everything, the fact that Uruha never spoke to him had a lot to do with it. This whole ordeal made Kai dizzy, angry...confused.

Kai felt that he also had someone else to blame for all of this bullshit. _Aoi..._

And like clockwork, those thoughts began to rear their ugly head again. The mere thought of the other man had his hand gripping the coffee cup so tight it could almost explode, this careless act would send the hot liquid flying everywhere and it would burn his hands in the process, similar to the burning sensation he'd feel at the bottom of his stomach whenever he thought of the times Aoi had touched Uruha. How different things would be if they didn't have to deal with the other man, Kai thought. He could have Uruha all to himself, no worries of him ever wanting to leave Kai. That was perhaps his biggest fear, a fear he didn't think about much because of the painful feelings that accompanied it.

Leaving the coffee shop Kai began to wonder through the almost empty streets of an otherwise very busy city. He loved Sunday strolls, but of course, not alone. He just wanted to not have to worry anymore, he thought he was doing so well, the feelings of insecurity had subsided but after what had happened he couldn't help but let those feelings rise to the surface yet again. He felt suffocated, tired of not being able to control the situation in his hands, each day it would get heavier and heavier until he couldn't bear to carry it anymore. Was he reaching his boiling point?

Tired of wandering around aimlessly, Kai decided that he needed to speak to someone. Considering Aoi wasn't his friend anymore, that instantly ruled him out. He wasn't particularly close to either Ruki or Reita, but they were still his very good friends and his band-mates and when shit would hit the fan, they were always there to help him clean up the mess.

Thankfully Reita's apartment wasn't very far from his location and Kai had decided he needed to speak to the only other person who perhaps could help him understand Uruha. Reita is Uruha's best friend and they've known each other since they were children, this made the drummer feel relieved in a way, because he knew he could gain some insight from the bassist, perhaps a different perspective on the whole ordeal.

Opening the doors to Reita's apartment building Kai almost ran head first into a very familiar face, a face he didn't think he'd see today of all days. "Oh, Kai, hey, what are you doing here?" Ruki asked as he let the drummer inside.

"Hey Ruki, I, um came to see Reita, just gotta ask him some stuff," Kai was hesitant, especially because he wasn't planning on running into their vocalist. "I could ask you the same thing though..." he added as an after-thought.

Ruki simply brushed him off, "What do you need to ask him? is everything okay?"

"Everything is fine, I just need to talk to him, that's all." The drummer tried to fake a smile, he didn't want his other friend to worry, that was it...sort of?

"Hm, I see," the shorter man hummed, "I'm surprised that Uruha isn't with you though, you guys fighting?"

Well he definitely wasn't expecting that and Kai couldn't help but let a shiver run down his spine and a trickle of sweat rush down his cheekbone, "What? No, no, why would you ask that?" he was lying and his obviously nervous demeanor gave it all away. The others were very aware of his and Uruha's relationship, but the only rule they all had amongst each other was to NEVER let their own personal problems get in between the band. Kai had found his exceptionally hard to do considering the animosity that Aoi felt towards him. "Uruha and I are fine," he uttered shakily.

But Ruki wasn't giving up that easily, and it almost scared Kai because of how intuitive the smaller man could be. "I know it's none of my business but," Ruki let a smile curl on his lips, "but if there's one thing I know about Uruha after all these years of knowing him is that he's as stubborn as a mule and when he loves someone, he loves them fiercely."

Kai swallowed thickly, he didn't know why Ruki was telling him this, but for arguments sake, he let him finish anyway.

"We-I know about what happened between Uruha, Aoi and you," the vocalist's tone suddenly turned serious and he gave Kai a sympathetic look, but Kai was quick to look away. "Kai, I want you to know that you can alwa-...."

"Ruki I appreciate what you're trying to do, even though I don't know exactly what that is, but my business is my own, and not to be rude, but I'd rather keep it that way," Kai really didn't want to sound like an asshole, but he needed to let Ruki know that this was something he wasn't comfortable talking about, at least not with him. It was taking a lot of courage to even talk to Reita about it, but the way Ruki was accosting him was beginning to make him uncomfortable.

Ruki looked defeated for a moment, but simply sighed and then gave Kai a gentle smile, "That's fair," he began, "Uruha is my friend...but so are you, I just worry, that's all." He began opening the door to let himself out, "I hope everything will be okay." Kai caught the way he said this, and it made his stomach turn slightly, he knew the reality of that statement and again he felt like running and hiding from everything.

Kai could only watch in silence as the other man left, he was stricken by the whole exchange and now he only wanted to rush home and isolate himself, completely forgetting about the small problem awaiting him at his apartment. Pushing those thoughts away yet again he made his way into the elevator, punching the numbers feverishly as he tried to get Ruki's words out of his head. _I hope everything will be okay_ , no no no, nothing was okay, will anything ever be okay?

One knock, two knocks, three knocks.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Kai could hear the bassist's voice coming from the other end of the door, that feeling gnawing at his stomach repeatedly, but he tried to suppress it as best he could. "Did you forget something Ru..Oh, Kai," Reita was stunned for a moment as opened the door, not expecting to see the drummer standing before him, "what's going on?"

"Is that really how you greet your friend Rei-kun?" Kai tried to lighten the mood some, he was getting sick of the anxiety consuming him, "it's nice to see you too."

"I-I'm sorry, I just didn't expect to see you today, hi please come in," Reita let him into his apartment feeling confused but having a friend over here and there shouldn't be that odd, it just had caught him out of the the left field.

"I really apologize for not calling or texting you, I was just in the neighborhood and needed to speak to you for a minute," Kai made himself comfortable on that couch he had spent so many nights on, barely sleeping because of how uncomfortable it was and how much it fucked up his back.

"Speak to me?" the bassist sat down, and Kai could see that he had previously been sleeping, that would explain his disheveled appearance and messy hair. "Is everything alright?"

_No, nothing is alright. My life is falling to pieces, but thanks for asking._

Kai nodded, "Everything is alright, it's just...something's bothering me and I need to ask you some questions, it's about," he fell silent for a moment, eyes looking down almost afraid of looking at the other man in front of him, "It's about Uruha."

Reita's eyes widened and his jaw clenched tightly, "What about him? Is something wrong with him?"

"No, he's fine," Kai shook his head dismissively, "I just have a lot of questions without answers and I thought maybe you could help me out."

The bassist straightened himself out, suddenly fully alert and listening to Kai, "well what questions do you have?"

Kai sighed deeply, throwing his head back against the couch in a very discouraged manner, suddenly he was regretting ever coming over in the first place. "You know Uruha better than anyone and I'm just having a hard time understanding him, understanding everything regarding him. Why does he shut people out so much?"

Reita shot him a puzzled look, not fully understanding yet he found himself answering almost instantaneously, "I wish I knew, I really fucking do."

"I have known Uru since we were kids, playing in dirt and pulling on girls' ponytails and after all we've been through you would think I would have him figured out," he sighed exasperatedly, "I've tried to get him to open up to me, but he won't, he tells me enough so that I don't worry, but he's never one-hundred percent honest and it kills me."

Kai felt a rush of sympathy as the other spoke these words so earnestly, maybe that was just how Uruha was? Maybe he just never shared in fear of people judging him? Not taking him seriously, perhaps?

"I refuse to accept that," Kai sat up straight, a bit of strength present in his voice. "I don't know how I feel about telling you this, but I'm in love with Uruha, like serious love...and I want him to be honest with me, no matter what. I would never do anything to purposefully hurt him, I'm not like him...I'm not...Aoi."

Silence engulfed the two of them, had Kai said too much? He figured Reita didn't want to hear all of this, but what other choice did he really have? He needed to lay all of his cards on the table, no matter the consequences.

"I know you're not," Reita finally cut the tension, "you're not like him, I know you. What he did to Uruha was fucked up and to this day I find it hard to fully accept him as my friend again."

Kai had never known what had gone down between Uruha and Aoi. He knew better than to ask, because anytime Aoi's name was brought into anything the guitarist would avoid the topic like the plague, or he'd break down crying or worse, he would isolate himself.

"What happened? What did Aoi do to him?" Kai wanted to know, he needed answers, maybe the answer he longed for rested on knowing exactly what Aoi had done to Uruha.

"Eh, I don't think it's my place to say," the bassist began, twiddling with his thumbs anxiously, "I think it's best you ask Uruha that. That's something that needs to happen between you two, I have no part in that."

He was right and Kai knew it, he wanted to hear it from Uruha's mouth, he wanted to know the truth. He wanted to know why Uruha cowered so much in front of Aoi, why to this day he still felt those emotions that would wrack his body with unrelenting force. Kai wanted to know everything, even if he regretted it later. Knowing the truth would help them in their relationship, there would be no more secrets between them and Kai knew that he could make all of this work, that is, if Uruha was willing to tell him everything, no more excuses.

As the evening progressed Kai and Reita found themselves digging around Reita's forgotten liquor cabinet, he wasn't the biggest drinker and whenever he'd receive a bottle as a gift he'd store it away only for it to be completely ignored forever.

They began drinking some imported liquor, it wasn't very tasty, but the two men were beginning to enjoy it more as the burning sensation dissipated with each gulp. "I don't even know who gave this to me," Reita said, grimacing a bit as the liquor made its way down his throat, "the aftertaste is tolerable, though."

"Eh, can't say I'd want to drink this ever again," Kai laughed setting down his glass, they had made more than a dent in the bottle, and yeah Reita was right, the aftertaste wasn't bad, it had light notes of something sweet, but nothing that would compensate for its overall bitter flavor. "Wish you had beer or something, I could go for something cold."

"We could go to the store?" the bassist asked, he figured if they were going to drink tonight, it would be a good idea to get something they both enjoyed.

"Are you sure? It's getting dark out and I don't think Uru would be too happy if I went home completely wasted." Kai was definitely a little tipsy and whenever he'd drink he would get sentimental, something his bandmates would tease him about because of the excessive affection he'd show towards them, but especially to the object of his frustrations, Uruha.

"I highly doubt Uruha would even care if you went home tonight," Reita smiled cheekily, clearly meaning nothing malicious by his statement, but Kai's eyes suddenly turned dark and his smile went blank, he felt a wave of disappointment wash over him and didn't even realize when a long tear streamed down his face.

"Fuck, man I didn't mean it like that," his band-mate felt guilty for even saying that, he just wanted to lighten the mood, but seeing Kai get so emotional over his best friend really struck a chord in him. "Uruha...he loves you, he worries about you, you know that."

"Do I?" The drummer was bawling his eyes out now, something he seldom ever did. Crying wasn't him, he was a nurturing person, a lover not a fighter, he considered himself otherwise stoic, the only person who could ever break him down was always Uruha. The only time he ever shed tears, real, heavy and emotional tears, was always because of Uruha.

"Kai, I..." Reita began, his light buzz quickly wearing off as he watched his friend cry heavily on his couch.

"Save it, please," Kai hated this, he hated showing weakness, especially in front of his friends, he wanted to curl up and die in that moment, he didn't want to be in Reita's apartment, he wanted to be where he believed he belonged, in the arms of the person who would always weigh so much on his heart, a heart that each day would begin to tear more and more.

"I think I should go, I really don't want to burden you Reita," he wiped at his face roughly, almost angry, because he was angry, he was fucking angry and exhausted. Uruha's tantrums and mood swings were always a lot to deal with, but the feelings of uncertainty that Kai kept experiencing too frequently were becoming insufferable.

"You're not burdening me, Kai please, just stay, try to calm down," The bassist didn't know that to do, he wasn't really good at dealing with people's emotions, listening, yes, but that was it. "How do you think Uruha's going to react seeing you like this? Showing up crying and frantic?"

"I-I don't know, I just..." But before he could continue, Reita's phone began ringing loudly and obnoxiously on the table. The bassist grabbed it, hands shaking and trying to get it to shut up, suddenly his eyes widened when he realized who was calling.

"It's Uruha," he looked at Kai, almost asking him permission with his worried gaze, and Kai nodded, sitting back down and resting his forehead in his hands. The bassist gulped and accepted the call, he didn't know why all of a sudden he was nervous to pick up the phone, considering it was his best friend calling, "Hey Uru, what's up?"

"Reita! What the hell!? I've been texting you and texting you and you don't answer! I spoke to Ruki earlier, he said that Kai was over at your place?"

"Yeah, he's here," Reita looked over at Kai who was currently leaning back with his eyes shut, not crying anymore but clearly not feeling well. "I'm sorry I didn't hear my phone, but why are you calling me and not Kai?"

"I HAVE BEEN CALLING KAI!" Uruha shouted, "He's not picking up my calls and I figured I'd try you." Reita couldn't see him, but he knew that his friend was pacing back and forth, and probably smoking inside the apartment, something he was prone to doing when he was angry or frustrated. He didn't want to deal with this, he felt like the middle-man and having a broken Kai on his couch and a screaming Uruha in his ear was definitely not helping the cause.

"Just please tell him to come home," Uruha sighed loudly, the sound of a door opening in the background let Reita know that he was probably taking his chain smoking outside.

"I-I will, don't worry, okay?" the bassist kept on looking over at Kai, he didn't exactly know how he'd get him home considering his current state of inebriation and sadness.

"I'm not worried," And with that, Uruha hung up the phone.

Reita was puzzled, he didn't know _that_ Uruha, his friend wasn't ever the type to just hang up so rudely, he knew that there was something really wrong and he began to worry for Kai.

"Kai, hey, are you okay?" he went to sit next to his friend, gently patting his shoulder simply because he didn't know what else to do to console him, "Uru says you need to go home, I would go if I were you. I can drop you off."

Kai only grunted in response, the room was spinning and suddenly the disgusting liquor had settled in his system and he just wanted to rest his head and not think for a while.

"Come on, let's go, Uruha will have my ass if I don't get you home," Reita grabbed him by his arm, "Kai, let's go."

"Fucking fine," the drummer stood up hastily and then stumbled across the room, attempting to head for the front door, but bumping against all of Reita's basses. "Oh shit, sorry..."

Reita rolled his eyes, annoyed at this point, he definitely did not have it in him to deal with his crazy friends. But he cared about them and though he didn't understand, he still wanted to be supportive.

After a long fight with the front door and trying to get Kai to stand up straight in the elevator, Reita was able to get his tipsy friend inside the car. Kai would only grunt in response to every question the bassist would ask, aside from the alcohol still coursing through his veins, he was beginning to go numb, he figured it was better this way. He didn't want to deal with Uruha, at least not now.

Reita did not want to deal with an angry Uruha, but he knew it would be wise to help Kai get upstairs. "Watch your step," he rolled his eyes, bewildered at the fact that Kai had such a low alcohol tolerance. "Almost home Kai."

Knocking once, he wasn't surprised when Uruha opened the door instantly, an indignant look painted on his face. "About time." he barked.

"Cut me some fucking slack, he's wasted and I don't even know how, we didn't even drink that much." Reita handed Kai over to the guitarist, who at this point looked ready to kill someone, he wasn't sure who though. "You're welcome by the way."

"Why are you being so snappy?" Uruha raised one eyebrow, paying no mind to Kai who walked right by him only to go face plant on the couch.

"You're the one who hung up the phone on me, listen that’s not important. I have no fucking clue what's going on with you two, but he's torn up...he needs you." After all Reita had witnessed that evening he figured he had seen enough, and he didn't want his two friends to keep fighting.

"Okay, well, thank you," again, just brushing Reita off as if nothing.

"Anytime." The bassist answered indifferently, sarcasm very present in his voice. He walked away without as much as a glance back, whatever Uruha and Kai were going to discuss, he wanted no part.

Shutting the door to their apartment, Uruha walked over to the couch where Kai was currently face down on, body barely moving.

"Kai, get the hell up, we need to talk."


	4. Chapter 4

What they say about love is true. In many ways it can be comparable to death, a continuous and excruciating death, but very rarely you find someone who is worth all of the searing pain. Someone whose smile can make you forget about the turbulent storm raging your heart, someone that can bring you back from the point of no return. They're the person who can heal you when you're broken and lull the beast inside you back to sleep. But what happens when the person who can tame this violent beast is also the one who provokes it? What are you to do when you love someone so desperately that you're willing to let them destroy you if it meant they got to walk away unharmed? It's true what they say about love, it's a foolish and cruel thing.

"Kai, I'm not going to ask you again, get up." Uruha was fuming at this point, his demeanor had changed drastically since the last time he had seen Kai. His usual morose and aloof temperament after an argument was now replaced with a vindictive attitude.

"Just go away," Kai groaned, hand swatting his pissed off boyfriend away, "I don't want to talk."

"I don't care what you want, we need to talk," The brunette grabbed the other's hand and yanked him roughly, causing his body to fall on the floor with a loud thud. Uruha was in no mood to deal with this kind of shit, he felt like he was in the right no matter what.

"What the hell is your problem Uruha?" the drummer sat up, his voice hoarse and still obviously recuperating from the drunken stupor he had put his body through, "I said I don't want to talk."

"Why did you leave today? Why didn't you tell me where you were going? Why were you ignoring my calls?" The questions were coming at Kai like rapid fire and he wanted to dodge them and run, but he couldn't. Unlike his lover, he wasn't one to run from his problems.

Kai looked away feeling nothing but shame as he realized how much distress he'd put Uruha through. Though he was upset, he couldn't deny the pangs of worry that were rushing through him, but he had to be assertive. He was frustrated with how long he had let this go on, he needed to pull himself together no matter how much his heart tried to fight him.

"I think you know why I left," he finally said, "I believe I made the right choice."

Uruha crossed his arms against his chest and let out an exasperated sigh, "Is that so? So, this choice of yours also included ignoring my calls and hiding out in Reita's place?"

The drummer looked up at his lover, those eyes that were usually soft and gentle were now hard and fixed on him with a rage that he could almost touch. "It's not nice, right?" he breathed softly, "being ignored, it doesn't feel good."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Uruha spat out.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about," Kai was slowly beginning to regain his strength and could at least form more coherent sentences, "anytime shit gets difficult you shut everyone out, you never talk about your problems. What do you think you're going to accomplish by ignoring your issues, huh?" _By ignoring me,_ he thought.

"You sound just like Aki, sorry, Reita," the guitarist sat down on the floor, gaze fixed on a spot in the wall, he was feeling cornered now and wanting to escape, but he didn't want to prove Kai right. "I don't talk about my problems because they're MY problems, they shouldn't concern anyone but me."

"Do you understand how ridiculous you sound?" Kai couldn't help but cut in, "Reita and I worry because we fucking love you. He's your best friend, your brother. And I'm, well, I'm your boyfriend, and we care and want to know what's going on with you."

Uruha could only remain silent as he listened to what Kai was telling him, perhaps he had a point, but he still felt hesitant about opening up. He didn't want to get hurt, not again...

"I understand perfectly that you've been hurt in the past Uru. That you've been taken advantage of," the drummer instinctively grabbed Uruha's hand tenderly and pulled it close to him, he couldn't stay mad no matter how hard he fucking tried, "you have no idea how much I wish I could take all the pain from your past away, because you deserve nothing but happiness and love."

A soft smile began to creep up on Uruha's lips as he held Kai's hands tighter, "I'm sorry," he mumbled, "I've trusted the wrong people and now all my secrets aren't mine anymore. I've never felt like I could tell anyone anything, that is, until I met..."

"Aoi..." Kai finished for him, "he hurt you, didn't he? he betrayed you..."

The guitarist nodded sheepishly, a small and barely audible sigh escaping his lips, "He broke my heart and healing has been the hardest part. Getting my heart broken hurt, however, dealing with the aftermath hurts more."

Kai knew from the beginning that loving a damaged person would never be simple. Having to hold Uruha's hand through something as traumatizing as a breakup wasn't going to be a walk in the park. He was up for the challenge no matter how emotionally draining it could get. Constantly being left in the dark was what was driving him insane, he needed to know the truth, he wanted nothing more than to know everything that had transpired between Uruha and Aoi. He believed that once Uruha got that off his chest, that he could begin to move on. Kai was patient, one of his many qualities, and he loved the guitarist enough to want to work with him through all the hardships.

"I want to know," he started, "I want to know everything. I want to know what happened between you and him. Why it ended. Uruha, I need you to tell me the truth."

Uruha knew this day would come, he knew that day where he had to face his demons would come. He'd have to make himself recall all of the memories he tried so hard to repress, those memories that would creep back up in fragments would always haunt him and remind him that those days were long gone. He would never be with Aoi again, with the person he believed would make him the happiest. He was trying so hard to allow Kai to love him, he wanted to believe that being with Kai would be good for him, it would be good to forget, to have someone to remind him that he isn't unlovable. Uruha kept so much to himself, he hid these parts of himself because he was mortified of the consequences that could come from divulging these things, he couldn't imagine going through the throes of betrayal again. He was being unfair to Kai, he deserved the truth, he deserved a chance. A tangible chance.

"I owe you that," the guitarist spoke softly, "I owe you the truth, Kai. I can't hide it from you forever and if I want to be with you I need to tell you everything. I don't want us to second guess each other anymore. I only want honesty between you and I."

Kai felt a wave of relief wash over him as Uruha spoke the words he never knew he was going to hear. He was finally going to get the truth, no matter how painful it could get for Uruha to tell it, he needed to. It would cause more damage to constantly keep it all bottled up and festering inside of him.

Uruha stood up and sat on the couch, motioning Kai to join him. Of course, without hesitation, he followed suit and sat next to his boyfriend, anxious to hear the long-awaited truth.

Sighing, the brunette began telling the other the events that had occurred prior to his and Aoi's untimely breakup. He was very reluctant, but somehow knew deep inside that he needed to tell Kai. He had been the one to hold him the day when his world came crashing down on him, he had been the one to wipe his tears away. He deserved to know, more than anyone. It would feel good to remove that overwhelming weight off his chest.

Uruha had been over at Aoi's apartment on that precise day, they didn't live together despite them being in a relationship for over two years, this was something they argued frequently about. Aoi never felt comfortable with the topic, but Uruha took it for what it was and eventually stopped bringing it up, though he'd always hold resentment regarding it. Being with Aoi had become like a roller coaster for him. Some days were good, they would laugh and they would enjoy each other's company, but other days Aoi couldn't stand to be near him, wouldn't talk to him, would simply ignore him and go about his business as if Uruha didn't exist. Uruha was so hopelessly in love that he didn't mind, he just accepted it over time and would involuntarily distance himself when Aoi was in one of his moods.

Aoi was never the one to leave his things unattended and on that day he had left his computer unlocked and his email open, he had left his home in a hurry and more than likely forgot to log out of his inbox. Uruha was never the one to invade someones privacy, but decided he'd snoop around his messages just for the hell of it. Aoi shouldn't be hiding anything, right?

Spam, spam, unimportant documents, old work emails, more spam, God did he ever delete his old messages? As he kept scrolling through his inbox, he realized that Aoi had a series of messages from someone named Hisaya Shiroyama. Uruha knew that Aoi didn't have any sisters, so out of sheer curiosity he clicked on the thread of emails and began reading the ones that stuck out to him.

This was all very suspicious, Uruha thought. Aoi had mentioned to him on many occasions that he wasn't in contact with his family. How his mother and father had disowned shortly after he joined the band. He never mentioned his brother or any other family members either, but he wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. As he read the messages and realized they were from Aoi's mother, Uruha couldn't help but continue to go through them. The emails had dated back years and years and they mostly consisted of Aoi's mother asking him why he never went to visit her and his father, how they would love to have him home, and how much his brother asks about him.

This was hitting Uruha out of the blue, he didn't understand why Aoi would keep this part of himself hidden from him. He liked to believe that they were serious about being together, so why hadn't Aoi brought up his family to him? Why had he lied and said he wasn't in contact with them?

As he made his way through the messages, he stopped to check if he had any new ones and quickly Uruha began to realize that the most recent email had only been less than a month old. Without hesitation he opened it and his stomach turned at the words he began reading.

_Hey Mom! Thanks so much for the card you sent! I sent you and dad one awhile ago and I hope it gets there before Christmas! I've been well, thank you for asking. You know how lonely the holidays can be for me, it's been hard being so alone. I really wish sometimes that I could find a nice girl to settle down with, but for now I just have the music and that's all I need. I'm hoping to make it down to Mie after the holidays though. I'm planning a trip maybe for my birthday? I know the guys won't mind. Anyway, I just hope you and dad are doing well, I'll try to message you as soon as I'm able to. I love you!_

_Speak to you soon,_

_Aoi_

Uruha felt sick. He wanted to lunge the laptop across the room and to break every single item in Aoi's apartment. Everything he had ever said to Uruha meant nothing in that moment. He felt like his world had shattered in front of him. Aoi had never been serious about him, _ever._

A rush of adrenaline and anger had him smashing the reply button to the email Aoi's mother had sent after that one and he feverishly began typing all of his frustrations out, not caring one bit about the consequences.

_Hello, this is Uruha, you may know me from the band your son is in. I wanted you to know that your son has been in a relationship with me for over TWO YEARS and it seems that he has never mentioned that to you? He had told me that you and him weren't in contact, so you can imagine the shock I am in as I'm writing this to you. I'll tell you again, your son has been FUCKING me for more than two years and he has never had the courtesy to tell you. So I am._

_Have a good day._

Send. Uruha had never in his life felt this amount of fury and deception. He felt betrayed, he felt embarrassed, he felt like he could never see Aoi the same again. He had caught him red handed, he had seen the web of lies he had meticulously formed all of those years they had been together. All of the I love yous and sweet words didn't mean anything anymore to him. Everything was a lie.

When Aoi got home that night, Uruha had shut off his computer and logged out of his email. He felt no remorse regarding the email he had sent, if Aoi was going to make a fool out of him, then he was going to do the same.

"I didn't expect you here tonight," Aoi began taking off his boots and made his way over to the couch where Uruha was lounging on and sipping some white wine. He couldn't take the displeased look of his face, there was clearly something very wrong with him, but as always, Aoi was too oblivious to notice it. "It is a nice surprise, I won't lie." _Yeah right, you filthy fucking liar,_ Uruha thought.

That night Uruha had to act as if nothing was wrong as he accepted Aoi into his arms. He felt like an asinine masochist as he let Aoi take him and fuck him into the bed. The then blonde held on to those broad shoulders, digging his nails roughly into them, more than likely drawing blood. He felt completely empty inside as the other finished and rolled off of him in the manner in which he always did. But this night, Uruha didn't hold him like he usually did. He turned on his side and cried quietly until he finally fell asleep, dreading the thought of ever waking up again.

The following morning was eerily quiet in Aoi's apartment. He had gone out for his usual coffee run, grabbing Uruha one as well, something he rarely ever did. He had come back and was checking some things on his laptop, his never changing morning ritual.

The other guitarist had remained in bed the whole morning, giving himself some space from the other man in fear of saying or doing something he'd regret. He had calmed down a bit from the previous night, and he knew he wanted to confront Aoi, but he didn't know when or how. Uruha was terrible at confronting people, he despised arguing and would rather let things fix or ruin themselves if it meant he didn't have to deal with the dirty work.

It's always calm before a storm, however, this wasn't a storm, this was fucking _hurricane._

"Mom? What's wrong? Why are you calling me?" Uruha could hear Aoi on the phone in the other room, it was a rarity that Aoi ever picked up the phone when someone called him. He had become someone that would only ever text or email a person, even when it came to his own mother, it seemed.

"What? I have no idea what you're talking about! It must be a prank, it wasn't me! I don't know who did it it! Whoever sent that is sick!" Aoi was frantically yelling at this point, Uruha figured he'd get up and see what was going on, he definitely didn't want to deal with this, but it was noon now and he couldn't feign sleep forever.

As he walked in the living room he could see how uncomfortable and worried Aoi was as he paced back and forth, trying to calm his yelling and concerned mother on the line. His body froze in place as he realized that Uruha was watching him, his eyes doubled in size and the color from his face faded to the point where it looked like he had seen a ghost.

"I'm gonna have to call you back, please just listen to me! No don't say that, I'll call you back, please...I promise you that I'll call you back...Mom.." And then the line went dead.

The sudden shift in Aoi's demeanor almost had Uruha scared. He went from looking frazzled to having a look in his eyes could only be described as venomous rage.

"Uruha what the fuck is wrong with you? You went through my fucking emails? You sent my mother that email? Who the fuck do you think you are?"

Uruha felt a shiver run up his spine, he wanted to cry, to run, but he couldn't. So he stood his place, "You fucking lied to me Aoi, you lied to your mother, you told me you didn't speak to your family, you made me into a secret. I only told her the fucking truth."

"You had no right going through my emails, you had no right!" Aoi inched himself closer to Uruha, he could tell that he was on the verge of losing his temper.

"You left that shit open! I didn't think I was going to uncover the truth this way," the other guitarist sighed loudly, "why did you lie? Why are you ashamed of me?"

"I'm not ashamed of you!" Aoi yelled, "But, do you really think my family will ever accept the fact that their eldest son is involved with another man?"

"Then you are ashamed of me then," Uruha couldn't contain his tears anymore, "I was going to stay as your dirty little secret, you're only okay with being with me when you're fucking me."

Aoi threw his head back in exasperation, "You have this all wrong. I do care about you, but you knew this wouldn't last forever."

In that moment, a knife to his chest would feel a million times better than what Aoi was telling him. A wound like that would hurt and he'd bleed out and eventually die, the wound Aoi had just made would never heal, it would remain open and pulsating blood for as long he lived.

"I thought," he sobbed softly, "I thought you and I could make this work, that we could defy all odds and make our life however we wanted. I was ready to leave the band for y-..."

"Stop it Uruha, just stop it," Aoi cut him off, "you knew this was temporary. I told you about leaving the band because I wanted out, because I was ready to leave. These plans never included you."

"Then why did you string me along?" Uruha felt a surge of anger travel through him, "why the hell did you make me believe that we could have a chance at a normal life? Why did you let me fall in love with you Aoi?"

Aoi rubbed his temples tentatively and let his body fall on the couch beside him, "I didn't make you fall in love with me. You let yourself do that. Why are you acting like this is new to you? I thought you'd be smart enough to know that you and I wouldn't be together forever. It astonishes me that we lasted this long."

Uruha couldn't help but laugh derisively, feeling like the biggest idiot in the world, how had he been so blind? He should've known it was all too good to be true. That all those I love yous and sweet nothings meant absolutely nothing in the long run. They were the right thing to say in those moments, but Uruha had never said them just to say them, he had fallen in love with Aoi, he had plummeted so damn hard and it was now blowing up in his face in the most cruel way.

"Guess I wasn't smart enough," Uruha sat on the opposite couch, burying his face in his hands, now more than ever wishing he could just disappear. "How can you be this selfish, Aoi?" he wondered out loud, "how can you do this to me? you say you care but I don't understand how and I doubt you ever truly did."

"Stop the pity party Uruha," Aoi hissed, "you had no business going through my private things. You saw something you didn't like, that was it."

"So that's all? That's your explanation? It's my fault? I'm the asshole in all of this bullshit?" the guitarist stood up, grabbing his cigarettes as he made his way towards the door, "Fuck you, Aoi." He murmured, placing a cigarette in his mouth.

"Wait!" Aoi called out, he stood up and walked over to the other man, Uruha could feel his stomach turning even more, still hanging on to the small sliver of hope that Aoi would apologize and they could somehow put this shit behind them.

"I want your things out of my apartment by tomorrow." And with that he opened the door, giving Uruha a look that was almost too cold and empty to belong to someone like Aoi. Not wanting to look weak in front of him, Uruha sucked in a breath and left.

The moment the door closed behind him, Uruha slammed the door with all the strength he could muster, his fists hitting the door so rough it bruised his skin on impact. He wanted the door to be Aoi's face, he wanted him to fucking apologize for all the bullshit he had done. But the other was almost more stubborn than him, this left Uruha speechless. He couldn't believe how quickly Aoi was able to kick him out of his life. How heartless he was being, it's as if all the years they were together didn't matter in the end and all the tender moments they held weren't ever special to him, not the way that they were for Uruha. Through all the pain he knew he would always cherish them, no matter how unbearable it would become.

He didn't need to ask to know that what they had was over, it was over and irreparable. The trust had been breached. What they had would forever be tainted and Uruha would have to carry that burden with him, because Aoi would never claim ownership of his mistakes.

The shell of who he used to be would be the only thing he'd walk away with, everything else, the happy memories, they would fade away into sepia toned photographs, only for them to be forgotten forever.

"I had given him so many parts of me, Kai," Uruha sobbed, "I shared with him so many intimate parts of my life, things I never said aloud, and in those last moments he wasn't the Aoi I knew. Through all of his bullshit moods I still held on to him because I loved him, because he had been there for me. He was more than a boyfriend at times, he was a friend. And to have learned that none of that mattered to him, to see the truth, that broke my heart more than he could ever. The wreckage he left in his wake is what haunts me to this day. I've been hesitant to tell you because I was scared, terrified rather, the way Aoi hurt me will be a pain I don't think I'll ever be able to forget."

"Uru..." Kai couldn't contain it any longer, he grabbed Uruha and pulled him close, he could feel himself getting more and more protective as the moments passed, what he had just learned would forever change the way he'd view Uruha. He learned the painful truth, and now more than ever he just wanted to be there for him and love him with no bounds. "You are the most important person in my life. I love you more than words will ever be able to say and I will do whatever it takes to protect you and keep you safe. You are my whole world."

The guitarist held on to Kai tightly, feeling so vulnerable now that he had shared this part of his life with Kai. "I love you too Kai, so fucking much." He meant that, he truly meant that. Uruha still felt some sort of invisible string that would continue to tug at his heart strings and connect him with Aoi, he still loved Aoi, but each day that went by that love would diminish more and more.

He wanted a new beginning, he wanted a chance at a normal life with someone who would accept him and love him uncondionally. He didn't want to hide, he didn't want to pretend to be someone he wasn't. Uruha wanted nothing more than to be free when it came to who he loved. He was so certain that he could give Kai this chance, that he could be the one to break the imaginary shackles that still tied him down to Aoi. He wanted freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little late, but better late than never! I hope you enjoy! there's finally some answers in this chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

Anger, frustration, deceit. All of these things ran headfirst into Aoi's head the minute Uruha had slammed the door behind him. Shortly after, Aoi's hand had gone flying, sending his precious laptop to its untimely demise against the wall, leaving a nasty dent in the flimsy wallpaper and a shattered screen as evidence of his fiery temper. He didn't understand how Uruha had the audacity to go through his belongings, it baffled him that he had broken the most important rule of a relationship. But, hadn't Aoi also broken that rule?

No. He refused to believe that he did anything wrong. In that moment he felt hurt and betrayed. Nothing made sense to him, yet he couldn't shake off the feelings of guilt that were crawling up his spine. Uruha knew that what they had was temporary, right? Why had he acted so shocked to learn the so-called truth? Sure, Aoi had not ended it in the most opportune way, but it still made him question the other guitarist's reaction. 

The guitarist buried his face in his hands, not understanding why he was crying, in that moment nothing made sense, everything felt surreal. Aoi had freaked out, he had acted on impulse, he didn't want Uruha to leave, but his anger spoke for him and now he felt that what he had done was beyond repair. Aoi felt like the biggest bastard in the world as everything came flooding down on him. He meant what he had said, their affair was temporary. Uruha was temporary. But what was that nagging feeling he felt twitching in his chest? Had he actually felt something other than lust for the other, had Aoi loved him...perhaps, the idea of him.

In his own fucked up way Aoi had loved Uruha. Rather he had loved the things Uruha gave him. He had grown accustomed to a certain type of attention and love that he never received from the opposite sex. To him, Uruha had been the best outcome of a bad situation. Because at one point Aoi had reached a boiling point in his life, he no longer felt satisfied, everything was draining and he was driving himself to an early grave. But that all changed when he started accepting Uruha into his life. He had seen him as someone to pass the time with, a good fuck here and there, but eventually all of that began going into a direction that Aoi didn't foresee. But instead of declining it, he accepted to be with Uruha, all because he had become used to the other, used to the amazing sex and the way he took care of him, rather his ego. He couldn't imagine his life without Uruha at that point, he would be lost. Uruha had become the only person who could ground him. 

But none of that would last forever, and Aoi knew this. Though it seemed that Uruha had missed Aoi's twisted memo.

Aoi was a selfish asshole for pulling Uruha along with him through a maze he knew had no end. Uruha had dedicated years of his life to the other guitarist. He had loved him with an unparalleled passion, and when Aoi let go of his hand, Uruha felt his world relentlessly crashing down on him. Aoi felt the way he would after one of their heated arguments, except this time, he had crossed into a territory where he was currently stranded. Aoi and Uruha had argued too frequently, both of them having a similar temperaments only made matters worse. They would yell and claw at each other and eventually one or the other would crack and they would make up momentarily.

Despite the never-ending arguments and constant moodiness, both men never knew when to say enough was enough. Uruha would turn a blind eye and forget almost immediately, only to resume the same madness the following week. It was a damn roller-coaster and they were both too stubborn to get off. 

Before Aoi knew it, he would have Uruha back in his bed, fucking him into oblivion and making himself forget the incessant conflicts. He was too caught up in the ecstasy of the moment to let anything get to him, especially the nasty and ugly truth. However, this time, Uruha wouldn't be in his bed again, this time there was no going back. The truth had been let out of its cage.

Lighting his fourth cigarette of the night Aoi stepped outside on his balcony. Placing a small glass full of something bitter and strong on the edge of the railing, he had tried to quit drinking, but he needed the poison. Sighing, he sat down, looking out into the city and taking in the sun as it began to set in the horizon. It looked picturesque as it dipped down gracefully with orange and red hues. The sky was on fire, much like the fury in the pit of Aoi's stomach. 

Memories began to flood through his mind while his eyes fixed themselves on Uruha's plants, plants he had watered a few times and then abandoned carelessly on Aoi's balcony. He had been so excited that day when he came home carrying each pot up the stairs. He fell in love with a tall and leafy palm, an array of colorful succulents, along with a beautiful dracaena. Aoi had helped him with placing them outside and watering them for the first few weeks, before both of them ultimately forgot. And now they sat there in neglect, the leaves wilting and falling off haphazardly on the stone floor. 

In those rare moments Aoi had felt his heart full with happiness as he watched his lover diligently working on his plants for the first time. Everything was perfect in those moments, but they were all too few and far between. Aoi's temper would never fail to get the best of him and in the blink of an eye they were arguing again. Uruha would feel the wrath of Aoi's temper, and Aoi's would brace himself for the unrelenting cattiness that only Uruha possessed, they'd always walk away unscathed, knowing this dance from memory now. It had become like venom in their veins, the more they consumed it, the more their tolerance grew, along with denial.

Uruha had rushed home that day, rushed home as his blood boiled and his heart threatened to beat right out of his chest. He had ran red lights, never looking twice as he endangered his and other people's lives. In that moment Uruha didn't care if he lived or died. Getting into an accident would be life's way of spitting in his face after it had ridiculed him mercilessly. 

But he couldn't bear to be be alone. Not after everything that had happened. He knew that he could count on Reita or Ruki, but they wouldn't understand, they were always too caught up in their own bullshit. Those two weren't the best at consoling their friends, however, there was someone who was. Someone who Uruha trusted with his life, someone who had been there on so many occasions that Uruha had lost count. He knew he could count on Kai.

Uruha showed up at Kai's apartment. Soaking from head to toe as the vicious deluge took all its rage out on innocent bystanders, himself included. Kai frantically rushed his friend inside, not knowing if Uruha's face was wet from the rain or his tears. Regardless, he held him and gave him his shoulder to cry on. Kai's own heart beat incessantly against his rib cage as he held Uruha. His shirt was soaking from holding him and his suede couch was probably ruined, but he didn't care. In that moment, Uruha took priority over everything else.

"A-Aoi, he...he broke up with m-me..." Uruha sobbed as he held Kai with all the strength left in his body, "h-he's done with me..." He didn't want to admit it to himself, as those words left his mouth he cried harder, reality was setting in and it was beginning to make him sick. The drummer didn't know what to do, what to say, he simply held him and affectionately rubbed his back. He had never been this physically close to his friend before, and the feelings he had put away began to flourish as the moments passed with Uruha in his arms.

"You're okay now Uru," Kai spoke softly, he mussed damp strands of golden hair, relishing in the fact that he was the one that Uruha had come to for solace. "You can stay with me tonight if you'd like, I can sleep on the couch. You can take my bed. I don't want you to be alone tonight." 

As expected, he couldn't sleep. Uruha kept tossing and turning, his heart heavy and sore as he just lay there. He felt helpless and alone. But he wasn't alone. He turned his cheek to the side and smelled Kai's distinct smell on his pillow. A musky and slightly sweet cologne, and then notes of Kai's own scent, a scent that Uruha personally always adored.

He gave up on sleeping and hesitantly made his way towards Kai who was face down on his couch. The guitarist nudged the other on the shoulder, a small smile forming on his lips as Kai groaned, that adorable face of his looking up at Uruha. "I couldn't sleep, I'm sorry to bother you but could I just..." he bit down on his bottom lip tentatively, "lay with you here?"

That alone had Kai's eyes widening, but he nodded. He made some room on the couch and let Uruha settle down next to him. They were ridiculously close and all Kai wanted to do was wrap his arms around the guitarist and kiss him deeply, passionately. But he knew very well that he couldn't. There was something about seeing Uruha sad and debilitated. It made Kai want to do nothing but be there for him, he knew he couldn't hold off forever. He was always going to have feelings for the other. Kai relaxed a bit, Uruha's skin felt like fire against him, and he loved it.

Kai remained awake the entire night. His mind racing and his stomach churning had made it unbearable to sleep. It only took a moment for Uruha to fall asleep next to him, Kai only guessed that the other felt comfortable around him. However, Kai couldn't take it anymore. The blonde had brushed up against him too many times- his limp hand falling carelessly on Kai's lap, making the drummer shudder.

Kai got up reluctantly and stepped out for a smoke. He hated those damn cancer sticks, but he needed one. Needed the poisonous air to get his mind off of the person sleeping on his couch. As much as he enjoyed the time they were spending together, Kai knew that it wasn't because Uruha wanted to be there with him to seduce him, his friend was going through a breakup and he wanted to be good friend as always, but something gnawed at his insides, something that wanted more. More than he was already receiving from the guitarist. Kai quickly stifled these thoughts and stubbed out the cigarette, that was enough thinking for one night. 

Morning came. Kai was still awake, regretting every decision he made the night prior that didn't involve sleep. With his eyes barely open he made some coffee, there was so much he wanted to say but the words were not going to come out right. Was this really the time for Kai to also endure a predicament? He shook his head at his own thoughts, grimacing as the scalding liquid touched his tongue.

"Morning," Uruha rubbed his eyes lazily as he stepped inside the kitchen. He was wearing only the shirt Kai had let him borrow and his boxers. The drummer couldn't help but feel aroused at the sight of a scantily clad Uruha in his kitchen. He was a perverted bastard for fantasizing about his friend at a time like this.

"Good morning," Kai groaned, there was absolutely nothing good about the morning. Except for Uruha's long and elegant legs parading around his kitchen.

The guitarist sat down in a vacant chair with a cup of the coffee that Kai had made. "I have to get my things from..." he choked, "his place." Quickly his eyes darted to the floor and his stomach turned at the thought that he had to go back to Aoi's apartment. The last thing he wanted to do was see his face again, especially so soon.

"I'm sorry," Was all Kai murmured, he didn't know what else to say, Uruha hadn't divulged any information regarding what had happened with Aoi. He assumed it was something terrible, but he knew better than to ask, if Uruha wanted him to know, then he would've told him. "I could wait in the car and if things get ugly, I can intervene." He almost wanted to laugh at that. If he ever got into a physical altercation with Aoi, Kai knew he would lose.

"I'll be fine," The blonde answered, the ghost of a smile on his lips, "I'm not scared of him. I just want to get my things and leave."

***

Another drive, another small death wish for Uruha. He sat in his car for what seemed like an eternity. He wasn't sure he could face him again, but he had too, if not, his stuff was going to end up in the dumpster. With the small amount of courage he had left, he made his way into the familiar apartment building and headed towards the place where his greatest regret lived.

Uruha was shocked when the door to the apartment swung open. He found his ex-boyfriend on the other side, eyes swollen and face devoid of any emotion, he looked like a dead man walking. The blonde didn't say a word as he stepped inside and headed towards Aoi's bedroom, feeling as the other's eyes burned into his back. He began digging around in the closet, his eyes threatening to release a cascade of tears while he got his things out. Aoi's place had become a second home to him, he'd spend more time there than at his own apartment. His belongings had made a small home in the comfort of Aoi's closet, and having to remove them felt like another tear in Uruha's already broken heart.

When he was done, Uruha wiped the tears from his face and grabbed the bag full of the memories he had made in all of those years, good or bad, he knew he was only going to go home and throw the entire bag out. The guitarist glanced at the photograph of him and Aoi that rested on the chestnut bureau, his heart stood still for a second as he placed the photo face down, he couldn't bear to see the happiness that object radiated, it only made him feel sicker.

Returning to the living room, he noticed how Aoi was sitting on the couch chain-smoking, the room reeked of the foul smoke, he hadn't even had the courtesy to crack a window. Uruha sighed and then headed for the door, this was it. He was walking out of Aoi's life forever, there wouldn't be anything that could stop him now, he knew it was all beyond repair.

"Aoi," Uruha whispered, he wasn't sure the other man had heard him, but he knew otherwise when Aoi stubbed out his cigarette and sighed, almost mimicking the blonde's gesture.

"Did you get everything?" Aoi murmured, his eyes still not meeting Uruha's. The other held back more tears, but it was futile at this point.

"So that's it?" Uruha couldn't help the anger that washed over him, "Aoi, look at me." His shaky voice had now taken a stronger pitch, and it almost startled the other man, "Aoi!"

"What? What do you want Uruha?" Aoi stood up, he couldn't feign the calm demeanor anymore as he flung the ashtray against the wall.

"I want you to speak to me, I want you to stop being a fucking coward and fucking speak to me." He didn't even flinch as the object hit the wall with a loud thud, he knew Aoi's temper by now. In that moment, the only thing Uruha felt was unprecedented irritation bursting from him, he was sick of the silence. If this was it, he just wanted some fucking closure.

"I don't know what you want me say," the brunette countered, he was taken aback by Uruha's sudden change of character, he could see how tears kept running down his face and it reminded Aoi of all the arguments they had where Uruha would cry, but only for sympathy, but this time it was different. Those tears were liquid fire and Aoi could smell the charred flesh.

"I just want to know. I want to know the truth, I want to know why you did it," Uruha's voice had taken a slightly calmer tone, but he was still fuming, "why are you being so heartless Aoi? You and I have had our differences, but I've never seen you act so cold. If you're going to dump me, at least have the sympathy to tell me why you did what you did."

Aoi crossed his arms against his chest, his expression pained from Uruha's questions. He was starting to feel sick to his stomach, if it would've been up to him, he would've chosen to never confront Uruha and continue living in denial. The room had begun spinning, his lips quivering uneasily, but he couldn't run. It was too late to run. "You want the truth?" he swallowed hard, "I'll give you the truth."

"I was lonely, miserable, slowly killing myself with pills and alcohol, but then you came along. You were the perfect distraction. You made me feel something, I didn't feel that emptiness anymore. I grew used to you, used to the sex, to the attention; and then I was in over my head. I shouldn't have led you on like that," Aoi rubbed his temples tentatively, "but then it was too late. When you said you loved me, I didn't know what to do. I felt something for you, but it wasn't love. Lust, desire, want, but it was never love. You were only my means to an end."

Uruha's heart stopped for a fraction of a second at what he was hearing, suddenly he regretted ever asking for the truth, no matter how much he wanted to hear it, it would've been better not knowing. "So it was all bullshit..." the blonde whispered, his voice eerily low, "none of what we shared ever meant anything to you?"

There was a prolonged moment of silence between them as Aoi looked down, too ashamed to face Uruha. "ANSWER ME!" Uruha shouted, he shoved the other guitarist hard, causing his body to nearly fall. "It meant something at some point!" Aoi cried, "God, I'm sorry. I didn't want to lose your friendship, so I did what I had to do. I'm so fucking sorry, Uru."

"Don't," Uruha spat out, "Do not call me that, you do not get to use that name for me anymore, do you hear me?" Aoi only nodded, the guilt almost too obvious in his face. "I wasn't thinking. I hate myself for letting it get to this point. You deserve someone better than me, Uruha."

"You're a fucking coward."

"I regret ever giving you hope where there wasn't any," Aoi said lowly, he buried his face in his hands, "Now I'm paying for that. Yesterday I tried to make you feel like it was your fault, because in that moment I was angry that you had gone through my things, but you're right. God, you've always been right. I was scared of losing you so I lied to you, and I'll never forgive myself for doing that to you."

This was perhaps the most broken Uruha had ever seen Aoi. He wasn't expecting this outburst from him, he expected the usual belligerent and stubborn Aoi that believed he could do no wrong, but it was the opposite. He seemed genuinely apologetic, but Uruha knew better than to believe those seemingly pretty words. In a way, Aoi was almost manipulating him into feeling sorry for him, making him feel like he only did what he did to preserve Uruha's feelings and their friendship, but he wasn't going to be stupid and fall for it, he was done being Aoi's puppet.

"I have ten missed calls from my mother," Aoi said almost sternly, "I couldn't speak to her last night, I can't bear to hear her voice, and I don't know when I'll be ready to. She's been pressuring me to meet a woman, all she's ever wanted is for me to settle down and have kids. But I'm not ready, and I don't know how to tell her that I've been..." he went silent, choking on his words, "that I've been..."

"Fucking me," Uruha finished for him. He rolled his eyes heavenward and almost wanted to laugh, but he held back as Aoi dropped his head in shame.

"Do you realize I'm not getting any younger, Uruha?" the other guitarist asked, "How am I supposed to settle down with another man?" he let the last word roll of his tongue almost disgustedly, and that small gesture had Uruha wanting to slap him. Aoi didn't care to be with a man if he was fucking them, but god forbid he was ever seen in public with a man's arm around his shoulder.

"So if you would've met a woman and eventually married her, would I remain as your little secret? Would you continue to fuck me and then go home to her and your kids?" the blonde felt his own wave of disgust hit him as he realized that this was probably something Aoi would've proposed to him. Uruha couldn't believe how stupid he had been to think that a future with Aoi could have been possible.

Aoi was at a loss for words. Mostly because he knew all the things Uruha was saying were true. In his own twisted way he would've agreed to that. He would marry solely for appearances and start a family, then continue to live his taboo life on the sidelines.

"God, do you understand how stupid you are?" Uruha hissed, "we were never perfect but we could've made it work. We _were_ making it work. You just never cared enough to be honest with me. I spent, no, I wasted two years of my life with you only for it to end in disappointment."

"I didn't want it to end like this..."

"Then how would you have truly ended it, huh Aoi? When you decided you had enough? You would've thrown me away like one of those unimportant one night stands, because that's all I ever was to you. You stayed with me out of pity, and you fucking know it."

Aoi wanted to believe he was done fighting. He virtually had nothing else to add, nothing else to contribute, because anything he said wouldn't have mattered. He dug his own grave and now it was time for him to be put six feet under. "Uruha," he began despite himself, his eyes pleading for the other to listen, "If I could go back in time and change everything I've done, I would in a heartbeat. I never wanted to hurt you. I had lost myself, and I didn't want to lose you too."

"But now you've lost me forever, Aoi," Uruha cut in, not an ounce of pity in his voice, "You've also lost my friendship forever, because you couldn't be honest with me. You did what you did, you can't take it back."

In that moment Aoi couldn't hold it in anymore, he fell to his knees and began crying loudly. He wasn't sure if he was devastated because he had lost Uruha, or because he was been denied something he wanted. He always got his way, but now he wouldn't be able to. The grip he had on Uruha was lessening and though he had been the one to initiate the end, he didn't think he'd be the one on his knees. "Uruha, I'm so sorry, please believe me when I tell you, I'm so sor-..."

"Stop it Aoi, just stop," Uruha roughly pulled him up, "You can't keep doing this! You can't keep playing with people's emotions. Do you understand how much I love...loved you? I was ready to leave the band for you, ready to leave the one thing besides you that brought me the most meaning in life. I was ready to abandon it for _you._ "

"I wouldn't have let you do that," Aoi straightened himself out, his eyes still red and swollen from crying, "I wouldn't have, because I was leaving the band to get away from you. I figured if I could run from you, then maybe I would've avoided hurting you...I was done at that point. I didn't want to keep going, the band was draining me, you were draining me..."

Uruha wanted to feel shocked as more revelations came out of Aoi's mouth. But nothing was surprising him anymore, still, a pang of something painful made its way down his spine and he didn't think he could be in Aoi's presence much longer. It was becoming physically impossible for him to be around the other man, all he felt now was repugnance. 

Aoi wanted the best of both worlds. He wanted Uruha's friendship while simultaneously having a sexual relationship with him, little did he know that he would be opening doors that were better off closed. He only ever told Uruha what he wanted to hear, things that made sense in that moment in time. Aoi had gone through hell and the only thing that kept him from falling into the abyss was Uruha. He loved the idea of always having Uruha in his life, but he stupidly disregarded the sentient being that he was dragging along with him. Aoi was selfish, and he was slowly beginning to open his eyes to the harsh reality.

That night, Uruha cried himself to sleep. Shortly after he left Aoi's apartment, he realized he had four missed calls from Kai. The guitarist felt overwhelmed with everything that had transpired between him and Aoi. They had ended their last meeting with Uruha's final words to him being, _"You never told me I was temporary."_ and Aoi slamming the door, yet again anger being his first resort. The small peeks into the vulnerable side of Aoi were gone in the blink of an eye, and Uruha wished he could've seen tears in Aoi's eyes once more before he left. The blonde felt no remorse, but he was still in so much emotional pain. 

As he got home, he was quick to jump in the shower and wash away the last remnants of Aoi from his skin. He let the hot water run down his body as he imagined all of the memories he had made with the other man running down the drain. He felt defeated, but he still had a little bit of fight in him. Uruha knew that no matter what, he was always going to love Aoi. No matter how much the other man had hurt him and played with his emotions, he knew he would never forget him. Being in the same band would kind of make it hard to anyway, but he knew that over time the wounds would heal and that he could begin to live his life normally again. 

Oh how very wrong he was.


	6. Chapter 6

Uruha shot up out of bed, his breathing labored and his body covered in sweat. Another unexpected nightmare and another restless night. _Not again,_ he thought as he buried his face in his hands. He knew anytime he would talk about his and Aoi's split, something in his mind would trigger his nightmares, and they'd come rushing out with the unwavering strength of a cavalry. 

His nightmares weren't as frequent as they had been in the past. He remembered having them almost every night, too many unpleasant scenarios would play out in his head when he tried sleeping, it had become unbearable after it began happening so frequently. Following his untimely breakup, it seemed like his brain had harbored all of the bad and negative feelings, only letting them come out at night. Uruha had relied time and time again on Kai to be there for him when the nightmares would happen, he would cling to the other, soaking his shirt with his tears as he tried to forget everything he had experienced while unconscious.  

Kai didn't understand at first. But regardless of his never-ending questions, he supported the guitarist and would stay up until the sun came up if it meant Uruha could go back to sleep. In a way it had become a routine- in the first few months of their relationship, Kai remembered having to constantly wake up to Uruha thrashing around in his sleep until he finally sat up, body drenched in sweat and his eyes swollen with tears. Kai's own anxiety would get the best of him in these moments, but he never wanted to seem weak in front of his lover. He'd push out his own worries and graciously accept Uruha's troubles, kissing saltiness off of his cheeks and holding him until he felt better enough to resume sleeping. 

The guitarist rested his head against the headboard of his and Kai's bed. He could feel an impending migraine in the back of his skull, knowing that sleep would evade him that night. He glanced over at his sleeping boyfriend, admiring how beautiful and calm he looked while he rested. Uruha placed a small kiss to Kai's forehead, noticing how his breathing quickened slightly. He couldn't help but place Kai's flyaway hairs behind his ear, his fingers trailing small patterns down a flushed cheek. Uruha sighed deeply and then turned on his side. He felt too many emotions ravaging his insides, he wasn't sure if his stomach was hurting because he ate something he shouldn't have, or if the distressing nightmare was to blame. 

Sitting up reluctantly, Uruha left their bedroom and made his way into the living room. He was glad that Kai had left a small lamp on, it gave off the dimmest glow, but it was bright enough to ease his nerves. He didn't tell many people, but he was deathly afraid of the dark. Kai hadn't been thrilled about sleeping with a nightlight, but eventually he grew accustomed to it. By now it had become almost like a routine to leave small lamps on in their apartment.  

Uruha knew the only way to ease his nerves would be to rely on an old friend- a friend who had embarrassed him time and time again, an enemy would be a more fitting term, but sometimes he needed this enemy to help him defeat his demons. Grimacing, he opened the nearly empty liquor cabinet and fished out an old bottle of whiskey. He served himself a glass and then went to sit outside on the balcony. Uruha peered out into the city, it was eerily quiet and, in a way, it was comforting. The usually clamorous city was nearly dead, not many souls ventured out around 4am. The only people out were drunks and those who enjoyed the freedom that the nightlife provided, those people usually never knew when to go home. Uruha felt like a mix of those two; he always preferred nighttime, he felt more alive during these times, his creativity would sky-rocket when the world fell silent around him. And well, in that moment he also felt like a drunk.  

The liquid burned his throat, but it made him feel something other than the dread that was beginning to crawl up his spine. He had served himself another glass and stolen a cigarette from Kai, he knew that drinking and puffing away his problems was useless, but he didn't care. Uruha had gone through this before, he didn't think he'd be in the same spot almost a year after the breakup. He believed that he had gotten better, that his heart was healing, but something inside of him felt like it had begun to rip and it terrified him. Uruha had no strength left in him to keep fighting. 

He kept his gaze fixed on the horizon, he could see the flashes of light beginning to peak through and a feeling of peace washed over him. Uruha placed the empty glass on the chair he was sitting on, and then rested his body against the balcony's railing, he took a deep breath and started recalling the memories he had made with Kai. Whenever he felt trapped himself in his melancholy moods, the guitarist would rely on the happy memories he had made with his lover. Kai had become his safe person, the one person who could ease his nerves and pull him back from the edge when he was more than ready to take the plunge. At times Uruha felt bad for carrying so much emotional baggage into their relationship, but Kai had been more than willing to accept him and his problems, however he still couldn't shake those negative feelings off.

The memories he had made with Kai were more than vivid in Uruha's mind, he recalled them as if they had happened the day prior. It had become second nature to spend the nights at the drummer's apartment. Uruha couldn't stand to be alone, and he'd chew and rip the dead skin off his cuticles until he felt ready to explode. He'd show up at the Kai's apartment almost daily, one hand holding a bottle of liquor and face sporting a shy half smile. Hoping Kai wouldn't get sick of him and tell him to leave.  

But those days and nights had meant everything to the drummer. The days when Uruha wasn't with him were the days where he felt incomplete. He had grown used to the presence of the other, and if it was possible, he had fallen even more in love. Kai felt something constantly gnawing at his insides, wanting to just tell Uruha exactly how he felt. It was sheer torture to hold the guitarist in his arms, those gestures were merely friendly in Uruha's eyes, but Kai wanted them to last longer, for his hands to travel lower, he wanted to grab Uruha's hand and hold it, kiss it, tell him everything was going to be okay. But Kai would shake these thoughts off, a part of him feeling like he was taking advantage of Uruha's vulnerable state. He knew he couldn't do anything about it, at least not yet. 

Uruha could still feel Kai's touch, could still recall the moment where he began seeing him as more than just a friend. It was all falling into place almost too perfectly, and the thought of everything crumbling down like a tarnished building terrified Uruha. But as the months passed he started opening himself up to Kai, he started tearing down his own walls and finally poured his entire heart out to the drummer.  

Words became unnecessary and instead Uruha relied on his body language. There were many things he could say, but he didn't want to, he didn't know how to. Rather, he let his actions speak for him. The tenderness that their hugs held had progressed to something bolder, like the guitarist sitting on Kai's lap, his head nuzzled against a soft and trembling neck. Kai had been apprehensive, his hands wondering down to grab at Uruha's waist tentatively. He would breathe in the intoxicating shampoo that Uruha loved to use, and soon Kai became addicted to the aroma as well. He began craving the scent that was unique to him.  

The night when everything changed was a night that Uruha would think about often. He still got goosebumps on his arms and shivers of arousal running down his spine when the memories would play back in his mind. They had been at Kai's apartment, the usual, lounging, watching TV and eating way too many unhealthy snacks. The guitarist loved those days more than anything, he felt so at ease when he was with Kai. The months had gone by smoothly, and only the faintest memory of Aoi lingered in Uruha's mind, he was too preoccupied to think about that. 

Hands had been awkwardly situated next to Uruha's thighs and Kai could feel himself sweating and his heart racing as he brushed up against him. The then blonde had his hands resting leisurely on his lap, and without thinking, Kai grabbed them. He knew his hands were probably clammy, but it didn't matter. There was something intimate about hand holding, it surpassed anything else they had done.  

Uruha glanced up at Kai, his eyes daring to release a flood of emotion, and in that moment a tidal wave of courage washed over Kai as he closed the distance between them and kissed Uruha.  

The guitarist felt his eyes widening in shock, but he didn't shy away from the kiss. He kissed Kai back in the same manner, passionately and hungrily. He framed his face with his hands, tilting his head to deepen their kiss. The drummer melted into a puddle as he savored those plump and beautiful lips that he had, up until that point, only dreamed about. It felt almost natural to mold himself to Uruha, it was liberating and it made him happy that he hadn't been rejected.  

"Kai..." Uruha moaned into their kiss, Kai could feel him smiling against his mouth while he kept his eyes closed. He wanted to capture the essence of that moment and keep it forever. It had been the bravest he had ever dared himself to be, he just couldn't wait any longer. He needed to tell, rather, show Uruha how much he meant to him.  

"I love you," Those words felt like silk as they resonated in Kai's ears, he felt his heart stop for a second as he grabbed Uruha's face gingerly, his fingers tracing his cheeks as he continued to kiss him. 

"I love you Uruha," Kai whispered back, "I've always loved you." It was the truth. Kai had never stopped loving Uruha. Even through the years, when he was forced to watch Aoi and Uruha's dysfunctional relationship daily, his heart ached for the guitarist. He wanted to be the one that could hold him and kiss him and love him like he had never been loved before. And in this moment, Kai felt like he could do that. _Finally._  

Again, words weren't needed as they made their way to Kai's bedroom. The drummer felt light headed, high off of Uruha's feverish kisses. Clothes had been hastily ripped off and two bodies fell on the bed, mouths never disconnecting. Uruha climbed on top of Kai, passion ripping through his body as his hips moved fluidly against the drummer's pelvis. It felt surreal, and Kai almost wanted to pinch himself to verify that he indeed wasn't dreaming. He could feel the heat emanating from Uruha's body, could feel sweat gathering at his forehead and he opened his eyes and realized how very real everything was.  

"I want..." the guitarist breathed heavily against his collarbone, mouth pressing messy and wet kisses as it worked to bring the blood to the surface, "I want you Kai," he kept grinding against him, his movements almost torturous as Kai held him by his hips. His hands could now touch anything they wanted freely, and that alone had Kai nearly falling to an early death. A very prominent part of him hardened and jerked as Uruha kept moving, he could feel a distinct fire rising at the pit of his stomach and he knew exactly what could extinguish it.  

Kai felt another rush of adrenaline pump through him as he pinned Uruha down on the bed. His eyes marveling at the sight in front of him. Soft golden locks framing an almost angelic face had Kai leaning down, devouring those kiss bitten lips that begged to be worshipped. It suddenly clicked in Kai's mind, he was finally making one of his dreams come true. A dream that he was sure would never be fulfilled, but it was happening, and his body nearly gave out as the realization moved through him.  

It all happened quickly, bodies moving slowly and then roughly against damp bed sheets. Uruha's long and elegant legs wrapped around Kai's torso, bringing him closer, feeling like he couldn't get enough of him. Kai's breathing had become erratic as he worked himself in between beckoning thighs, his movements almost feral as he felt his orgasm rip through him. The sensation alone had the guitarist shaking and crying as his own release emptied from his body.  

Sleep came almost immediately after they had collapsed on top of each other. Uruha held Kai through the night, his heart beating steadily against his chest while the drummer watched him sleep. It still felt surreal, Kai kept rubbing his eyes just to make sure he wasn't dreaming, he wanted to stay awake to be certain that Uruha wouldn't slip through his fingertips. The thought of him waking up the next day and regretting everything they had done petrified Kai, he was beyond sure that his feelings would remain unchanged in the morning and having Uruha reciprocate those feelings would make him the happiest man on planet earth. 

Morning arrived and Kai felt like he was floating on cloud nine as Uruha held him, kissed him, _loved him_...making him feel a high he had never experienced before. Uruha's affection had become beyond addictive, Kai couldn't imagine his life without him. He had fallen head over heels. As the months passed, they moved in together and they began solidifying their bond. It was happening fast but it felt right, at least that's what Kai made himself believe. His feelings never strayed, as the days passed his love only ever grew. And for Uruha, well... 

The sun began to shine directly into Uruha's eyes, the mornings always brought him a sense of serenity, a sliver of peace amidst the chaos that he called his life. He always associated mornings with lazy kisses under the covers and Kai's arms wrapped around him. He subconsciously wrapped his arms around his torso, feeling the ghost of Kai's arms around it. Stubbing out the cigarette that had diminished to nothing but ash, Uruha made his way inside. Quietly he tip toed into their bedroom and smiled faintly as he watched Kai sleep. He didn't want to disturb him, but he needed him in that moment. For the first time in their relationship, he didn't wake up Kai after a nightmare, it had been too much for him and he just wanted to be alone, but in this moment, he couldn't bear it anymore, and having his lover's arms wrapped tightly around him would erase his anxiety and help him fall asleep.  

"Kai," his voice echoed softly in Kai's ear, the drummer groaned slightly, cracking his eyes open and meeting Uruha's face inches from his face. "Uru? What's wrong?" he asked as he tried to sit up. The guitarist pressed his body down gently on the bed and climbed next to him. "Nothing, I just wanted your arms around me." He situated himself against Kai's chest, feeling his lover's lips pressing half-formed kisses on the exposed nape of his neck and those distinct arms wrap around him.  

"I love you Uru," Kai sighed, closing his eyes and nuzzling against Uruha once more. The guitarist felt a cold sweat forming on his brow, he swallowed thickly and squeezed Kai's arms tightly, "I love you Kai," he whispered faintly... _hesitantly_ , not sure if his voice was audible. Uruha's heart beat incessantly against his chest, it felt like he was suffocating in his own thoughts. Urges to push Kai away from him began to seep through his mind, he wanted to tell him to run so he wouldn't ruin him... _Kai deserves someone better than me_ , he thought indifferently, _he deserves the entire world and I'm only giving him a fraction of land. He wants my whole heart, but he's only getting the broken remnants._   

Uruha wasn't sure how much longer he could keep playing hide and seek with his emotions, eventually one day everything would rise to the surface and spill over, leaving himself to clean up the careless mess. He would have to confront his demons alone...no longer hiding in the shadows. Sooner or later the truth would see the light of day.

*** 

Band practice seemed to drag on forever, they had gotten a lot of work done, but it was still tedious nonetheless. It was nearing 2pm and the guys were exhausted and hungry. A nap and some lunch seemed like the most feasible thing to do, but sadly they weren't done yet.  

After everything that had transpired between Uruha, Kai and Aoi, one would assume that any band activity would become awkward and hard to do, but they were good about separating their personal life with their professional life and when it came to the band, nothing could get in the middle. By no means was it easy, but they managed to do it to the best of their ability. Uruha had gone missing for a few band practices here and there, but eventually showed up and would treat Aoi in an amicable way. However today, Uruha was on edge and something was bound to tip him over.  

"What do you think about this Uru?" Kai asked his lover, they were sitting down together looking over some notes that they had written together while recording. Ever since Uruha and Kai had gotten together, they became fans of harmonizing together while on stage and they always liked to check with each other to make sure their melodies matched up. The drummer couldn't ever get enough of Uruha coming over to his drum set while they performed, it had become one of his favorite things. In a way it was almost intimate when they could have these moments together. In the middle of the chaos that could be their shows, any time they were granted a moments peace, Kai would gladly take it. 

Uruha smiled sheepishly, his eyes slightly swollen from not getting enough sleep the previous night. "I think it goes really well, I can't wait till we can actually play this song live," he reached towards Kai's face and stroked his cheek lovingly, butterflies settling in his stomach as Kai reacted to his touch and kissed his hand. The drummer's smile extending across his face in the way he knew his lover adored. "I can't wait either. I'm itching to get back on stage. Though I will miss all of the time we've spent together." 

"Get a fucking room," Ruki rolled his eyes playfully as he cleared his throat. "There's other people here you know." 

"Shut up," Uruha retorted, matching Ruki's crabby attitude, "don't be jealous Ru-chan." He loved teasing his band mate about finding someone, it always seemed like Ruki just didn't want to give his time to anyone, he only ever spent time with Reita. 

"Whatever, did you two lovebirds finally decide which parts you wanted to incorporate into the song?" Their feisty vocalist was always adamant about everyone finding a balance in their music, he wanted to make sure that everyone was on the same page and if anyone ever had a doubt or concern, to address it or forever hold their tongue. But there was never any room for apprehension in the band, they all tried to be open and honest with each other. Even if they didn't want to. 

Kai and Uruha both nodded, they had been working on their new song together, doing the tedious job that no one else liked to do. Well, aside from Ruki, that is. Reita nodded also, he had been listening to them harmonizing all day, it was remarkable how well they managed to incorporate Uruha's shredding techniques with Kai's blaring and impressive drumming. 

"Aoi?" Ruki suddenly called out. "You've been quiet this whole time, do you have any concerns regarding the song?" 

Aoi looked puzzled for a moment as he clung to the guitar that was resting on his lap. He shook his head submissively, something he had been doing too much lately. It drove his band mates crazy because they appreciated when everyone would have constructive criticism about their work, but Aoi always seemed compliant about any direction they went into. It was like his charisma and sense of individuality had vanished altogether following his split from Uruha.  

"Okay then," Ruki rolled his eyes dismissively and then continued writing down the remaining words for the song. Kai couldn't help but keep his eyes fixed on Aoi, the only emotion he felt when he looked at him was pure disgust with a tinge of disappointment. He couldn't believe that Aoi had done all of the things that he did, to have hurt Uruha in such a cruel manner, it baffled the drummer. Yet sometimes he missed Aoi, actually, more than sometimes-he missed him often. Aoi had been his best friend, his partner in crime, and when shit hit the fan, it was almost like any bond they ever had shattered into a million pieces, making it completely irreparable.  

Hours had gone by and their recording session was nearing its end. Everyone looked ready to leave, the room had been tense the entire afternoon and though they got work done, they couldn't wait to leave the confines of the studio.  

"We should all go out and get drinks," Reita suddenly announced as they packed up their equipment, he placed his favorite bass in its corresponding case and then began hauling it out of the room. "I think we've worked hard today, we deserve it. What do you guys say?" 

"Eh, I guess." Ruki shrugged, he picked up his latest designer bag and threw it over his shoulder, "I'm not taking any of you back to your apartments if you get drunk. You get trashed, then you're shit out of luck." 

Kai could only laugh at Ruki's usual grumpy demeanor, it never ceased to put a smile on his face. He started packing up his drumsticks when he felt a gentle tug on his arm, he turned around to find Uruha looking at him, clearly wanting something. "Can we go too?" he asked, "I've been dying for a drink." 

The drummer's eyebrows furrowed, "I'm not too sure Uru. I'm a little tired, I was thinking maybe we get some take out and then just relax at home?" But Uruha kept insisting, "Oh, just this once! Please..." he kept giving Kai that damnable pout that he couldn't resist, with a roll of his eyes, he finally nodded. "Okay fine, but just one drink." 

Uruha smiled wide and then planted a longing kiss to Kai's lips. "Thank you, baby," he whispered. Their small display of affection was cut short when they heard Aoi cough loudly on the other end of the room. Uruha couldn't help his wondering eyes as he peered at him, his nose scrunching up and his lips turning into a soft frown. Kai took notice of his, gently grabbing his lover's face and turning it to him, "Uru, look at me," he said softly, "I love you, okay?" 

"I love you," Uruha breathed out, "let's just go. My drink awaits me." 

*** 

The bar was stuffy, loud and all the good tables were taken up. Ruki, Reita, Kai and Uruha made their way to the back of the bar, searching for an empty booth. They nearly forgot it was a Friday night and usually any place that served alcohol would be packed.  

"Tell me again why I let you drag us here," Ruki said as he pinned Reita with a menacing look. The bassist grinned as he got closer to Ruki, it almost looked like he was going to kiss him, but he caught himself before it was too late, "It's our favorite bar," he cleared his throat, "they'll start leaving soon." 

"They fucking better," Ruki growled. They sat down at an empty booth and waited for someone to come get their orders. After a while they were finally granted the sinful elixirs they so desperately craved. They were all so different when it came to ordering beverages. Reita usually always got a beer or some type of whiskey, whereas Ruki only ever touched cocktails. Uruha enjoyed anything bitter with a high alcohol content, and Kai liked light beers or the occasional tequila shot. 

Eventually that "one drink" turned into them ordering rounds of expensive tequila shots, something rare for them to do. Ruki felt generous and after one very strong cocktail, he had decided he wanted to take it up a notch. "Shots for everyone!" he announced. Everyone groaned in unison but agreed anyway, they really had nothing better to do. However, the one shot started a sort of domino effect and soon they were ordering shots as if the world was ending around them. 

By this time, they had migrated to the bar area and were sitting on the stools, Ruki completely drunk off his ass. "I wish Aoi would've come with us," he mumbled, looking forlorn at the absence of their bandmate. It wasn't out of the ordinary for Aoi to ditch them when they decided to go out, he never wanted to be with them longer than he had to. Rather, he couldn't be around Uruha and Kai. He knew he couldn't do it, it wouldn't end well. 

Uruha's face suddenly fell at the mention of Aoi's name. The glass he held his hand trembling slightly as he held it. "Give me one more," he blurted out, motioning at the bartender to fill up his glass. Kai could only groan in response, not thrilled about his boyfriend drinking so much, but he didn't care. He was having a nice time too, and the small things didn't matter in that moment.  

The night progressed smoothly. The guys enjoyed each other's company and the bottomless drinks that Ruki kept ordering. But it was getting late and they all needed to get going, however that wasn't on Ruki's agenda. "Why do you guys wanna leave?" he complained, "we were just getting started!" 

"Kai has a migraine and I'm fucking exhausted," Reita protested back. "Come on Ru, let's go." 

But Ruki wasn't having it, "Uruha can stay with me," he looked over at Uruha who kept swishing the alcohol in his glass around, "right Uru?" 

"If that will get you to shut up then I'll stay," the guitarist rolled his eyes and the downed the remaining liquid, "I can make sure you get home safe, don't I always?" 

Reita looked at his friend questioningly but ultimately agreed, "I guess that could work. Are you okay with that Kai?" he peered over at Kai who was nursing a glass of water, the painkillers he had taken not kicking in fast enough. He then remembered why he hated drinking. "You're asking me if I'm okay with these two drunks staying here?" he groaned, "I'm not jumping up and down about it, but what other choice do we have?" 

"Do you not trust me?" Uruha asked, he crossed his arms against his chest, giving his lover a deathly glare, a look that Kai secretly always found adorable. "Also, I'm not drunk." 

"I trust you Uru! I just don't trust Ruki, especially not when he's fucking wasted."  

"Hey!" Ruki nearly shouted as a shot glass rolled off the counter, "I may be drunk, but I still have feelings!" He tried to swat at Kai but was quickly brushed off. The drummer had no strength left in him to even try and defend himself.  

"Okay, okay. I guess it's fine," Kai stood up reluctantly, he had sobered up, mainly due to the annoying migraine that didn't want to leave him alone, "let's leave before he starts breaking things." 

Kai pressed a loving kiss to Uruha's lips, surprisingly enjoying the taste of the liquor he had been sipping on, he wished he could stay longer and explore his lover's mouth. "I'll wait up for you baby," he whispered against his open mouth, "I love you." Uruha smiled as he deepened the kiss, he didn't want Kai to leave but he knew he needed to lay down and sleep off the remainder of the alcohol. "I love you too," he whispered back, "keep the bed warm for me." 

Ruki only waved Reita and Kai off as they left, he was too far gone to acknowledge anything going on around him. The room was spinning slightly and he only wanted to keep drinking, much to Uruha's dismay. The guitarist didn't want to keep drinking, he just wanted to make sure his friend would make it home safe, but he knew he couldn't deny Ruki. The shots of strong liquor resumed and soon Uruha had reached the same level of drunkenness that the vocalist was in. 

It was getting late and soon the bar began clearing out, Uruha and Ruki remained in their same spot, tipping back drinks and barely talking as they only sat in the silence that the bar provided. Uruha looked off into space, he began feeling those familiar emotions washing through him, the same ones that haunted him anytime he was silent. He shook his head, hoping the thoughts would vanish on their own. He needed Kai, he needed him to fend off the demons for him. He just _needed_  him.  

Without intending to, Uruha started looking around the nearly vacant bar. Not many people were there, a few regulars and those reluctant to go home. As he peered towards the back, he felt like his eyes were playing tricks on him as he looked at the all too familiar figure sitting by itself near the back of the building. He tried looking harder only to realize that he was looking at Aoi, a rare sight to spot him in the bar by himself with only minutes before closing time. Uruha felt his heart beating irregularly fast, his breathing hitched and he grasped the glass in his hand, wanting nothing more than to smash it against the counter. He wanted to say something, anything. Aoi looked miserable as he sat alone in a corner, his fingers idly playing with the folded napkin on the table. Uruha noticed that he was drinking his usual whiskey on the rocks, a small smile crept upon his lips at the memories of him fixing Aoi his favorite drink, but it instantly only hurt to remember. 

Suddenly the absence of a very cranky individual caught Uruha's attention. "What?" he gasped, "where the fuck is Ruki?" He stood up and started looking around the bar, calling Ruki's name. It seemed like his very inebriated friend has abandoned him. Uruha sighed loudly as he sat back down on the stool, burying his face in his hands in an exasperated manner. He was supposed to be keeping an eye on him, yet while he was lost in thought, the vocalist had vanished. 

"I saw him leave," Uruha heard a well-known voice say behind him, then that husky chuckle that always gave him butterflies followed, "not sure why he left, maybe he thought you were bad company." 

"Very funny," Uruha retorted with a petulant laugh, he turned around and saw Aoi standing in front of him. It had been one thing to hear his disembodied voice, but to have him standing so close to him, now that made him almost lose his balance, "why are you talking to me anyway?" He was trying to play it cool, while his heart nearly gave out from how fast it was beating. 

Aoi only laughed in response, it was evident that he had been drinking quite a bit. "I just wanted to inform you is all, didn't want you to think someone kidnapped our vocalist." 

"Pft, they'd give him back in a heartbeat." 

They both laughed whole heartedly at that. Uruha's timid smile lingered on his face for a moment too long and he caught the way Aoi kept looking at him, it was a careful look, and it had Uruha's breath hitching yet again. Why did Aoi decide to approach him? It was very unlike him to want to engage in friendly banter, it left Uruha scratching his head in disbelief.  

"Do you mind if I have a seat?" Aoi suddenly asked, another unusual thing for him to do, but Uruha found himself saying yes, voice only a tad bit shaky. He wasn't one-hundred percent himself either and if being drunk was going to allow him to speak to Aoi, then he was more than okay with that. That familiar sense of security overrode his conflicting emotions and, in that moment, Uruha only had eyes for the raven-haired man sitting next to him. 

"I've been meaning to talk to you Uruha," Aoi fiddled with his thumbs nervously and then he finally looked up at the other guitarist, "can we talk?" 

In that moment absolutely nothing mattered to Uruha. He didn't care that he was drunk and so was Aoi, he wanted to hear what the other had to say. Regardless if he'd regret it later. He had waited long enough and now more than ever he felt ready to open that Pandora's box. 

All hesitance flew out the window as he nodded. Uruha had tipped off the ledge.


	7. Chapter 7

It was late, the bar started clearing out and the bar tender announced last call. Uruha and Aoi had remained in the same spot, tipping back drinks and sharing unusual and almost happy laughs. Everything was spinning and all sense of rational thinking was nowhere to be found, the two men felt a wave of nostalgia as they basked in each other's company. It had been too long and all of the pent-up emotion had begun to flood out in a relentless tsunami. In this precise moment, Uruha felt happy. A real and raw emotion that he hadn't felt in a while. His eyes glimmered under the dim light that the bar provided as he stared at Aoi. He was so close to him, all he needed to do was extend his arm out and touch him and he knew that he could. Aoi had been getting closer to him as each minute passed, his body language spoke volumes for him.

"I just don't understand why it ended like that," Aoi exclaimed, "the ending was anticlimactic. Too many unanswered questions. It really made you feel for the main character." Uruha smiled dryly, eyes turning downcast. They were talking about their favorite tv show yet he couldn't help the way it reminded him too much of their situation. Aoi had said he wanted to speak to him, Uruha didn't know about what. He had figured maybe about them, but he didn't. He only talked to him as if they were friends, recalling old memories with the band and discussing their favorite shows that had ended some time ago. 

"Hm, I'm not sure either." he nearly whispered, he brought the half empty glass of beer towards his lips, letting the bitter liquid wash down his throat. As reality blurred into fantasy, Uruha felt something akin to bravery take hold of him as he reached towards Aoi's hand and gently caressed it. He felt the way Aoi tensed under his touch, but he made no effort to move his hand. Time had stood still as their encounter progressed, Uruha didn't want it to come to an end. He was enjoying Aoi's company too much and if things weren't so fucked up between them, he'd want them to stay like this forever. Uruha just holding Aoi's hand, too afraid to let go. This is where he felt the safest. 

"Do...do you want me to take you home?" Aoi asked lowly. He looked up at Uruha, lips turning into a small frown when he took his hand away. Uruha swallowed hard, did he want that? He really had no other way to get home besides a cab, and since Ruki had left so abruptly and rudely, leaving him stranded with no ride, he figured it best to accept the offer from Aoi. He couldn't stand up straight and there was no way he'd make it home in one piece. It felt like too much damn work.

Uruha downed the last amount of liquid and then nodded sheepishly. He tried standing up and as expected, he nearly toppled over. "I think you've had way too much to drink Uru." Aoi chuckled as he grabbed Uruha by his waist, helping him stay up. Uruha's heart sped up, legs trembling as the familiar nickname escaped Aoi's lips and his hands grabbed him. It felt too natural, and the longer Aoi held on to him, the more he craved those hands allover his body. 

It was too surreal, to be in Aoi's car, in the passenger seat, it felt so right and so wrong all at once. Uruha closed his eyes momentarily as he rested his forehead against the coolness of the window, at least that felt real. "Almost there." Aoi's gentle voice cut through his incessant thoughts, that part felt real as well. And more so, it felt good. Aoi was always an expert at making Uruha forget the pain, he was excellent at taking the hurt away. No matter who was the one to cause the injury.

Next thing Uruha felt were two strong hands on his waist again as he was being helped out of the car. "I don't think you'll be able to make it up these stairs by yourself." Aoi whispered close to Uruha's ear, perhaps a little too close. Uruha smiled weakly, his arms wrapping around Aoi's neck as he was guided inside the apartment building. It was dark and he couldn't make anything out, he didn't even know if Aoi remembered what floor he lived on. "It's um, floor two," Uruha croaked, "apartment number fifty-six." 

They only made it up one flight of stairs and then they were standing outside of an unfamiliar door. "Where are we?" Uruha asked, eyes searching for any familiarities. Everything was too dark, he couldn't make any numbers out. "We're at my apartment," Aoi answered calmly as he fumbled with his keys, "want to make sure you sober up first."

"What the hell Aoi!" Uruha protested, he tried to push on Aoi's chest but he had little to no force behind his fists. "I want to go home," He couldn't help the way his arms wrapped around Aoi and hugged him, he rested his face against the crook of his neck, nearly crying as his nostrils were infiltrated with the scent he had become addicted to. "I-I want to go home." He cried once more, he hugged Aoi tighter almost losing his balance as Aoi's own arms wrapped around him in the same manner. "You are home." Aoi whispered lowly, nearly inaudible, but Uruha heard it loud and clear. 

"Don't..." Uruha whimpered, "don't...please." Aoi gave up on trying to open the door and only stood there holding Uruha. "My life," Aoi muttered, "my life is empty, miserable without you. I'm miserable without you. You have no idea how much I've missed you Uruha." The other felt immobile as he just let Aoi hold on to him for dear life. It felt like watching a car crash, he couldn't do anything but just stand there and witness everything. Having Aoi in his arms again felt like the most painful open wound, and the more he held on the larger the wound got. 

"Aoi..." 

"You don't believe me, but I want you to know that losing you has been the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life. God, Uruha, I love you. I was too fucking scared, a damn stupid coward. I shouldn't have done what I did, everything I said, I didn't mean. But I can't take it back. I love you, I've always loved you. I was scared of admitting the truth because of nothing, nothing matters anymore. I lost you and now I have to live with that."

Uruha felt at a loss for words. A part of him wanted to believe everything Aoi was telling him, it felt good to hear it. It felt like the truth. But another part of him felt like he was living in the past again, and Aoi was doing what he always did before. They were only words, pretty words that could tame Uruha, but he felt torn; had the truth finally spilt out? Or were these just more words with no meaning, only lies and guilt tacked behind them?

"How can I believe you Aoi?" Uruha asked, he still felt drunk but the words Aoi had said knocked him down a few notches. "When I believed you in the past I only ever got hurt."

Aoi pulled out his keys again, not wanting their discussing to wake any neighbors. He let him and Uruha inside of his apartment. He hadn't been lying. Aoi's apartment was a clear representation of him and his current state. There were clothes everywhere, guitars just lying on the floor, dirty dishes towering in the sink, he was a shell of who he used to be.

"You're right Uruha," Aoi began as he sat down on the couch, "I've only ever been good at hurting you. But I can't help what I feel inside. You don't have to return the feelings, I just want you to know the truth. The real truth." Uruha sighed as he sat down next to Aoi, he felt something gnawing at his insides, if this was what he had always wanted to hear from Aoi, then why did it feel so damn painful? 

"The way I've treated you was never fair. I took you for granted. You always deserved better, you were the only thing that ever made me genuinely happy. And I took advantage of you, I'm realizing what an idiot I am. You deserve the world, Uruha." Aoi grabbed Uruha's hands gingerly, looking at him with an honest smile. Uruha felt those familiar butterflies settle in his stomach when Aoi squeezed his hands. "Let me give you the world."

"What? But...but...Kai...I-I can't..." Uruha shook his head, he couldn't wrap his head around what Aoi was proposing to him, he couldn't be as cruel as Aoi had been to him. "Kai will never be able to give you what I can give you," Aoi leaned forward, cupping Uruha's face in his hands, "you don't belong with him, you belong with me. I've fucked up in the past Uruha, but I am willing to spend every second of my life making it up to you."

A lone tear escaped Uruha's eye, he sighed and shut his eyes tight, thinking maybe this was all a dream. But when he opened them again he acknowledged the pair of lips pressing against his own. Aoi had closed the distance between them as he kissed him with a fervor Uruha had never experienced before. He melted under Aoi's touch, it felt like the drink he had been denied after walking through an endless desert. He placed his hands on Aoi's face and returned the kiss with the same amount of passion, it felt like everything he ever wanted and needed. It felt like the love he had always longed for was finally in the palm of his hands...but for how long?

In that moment, nothing mattered, the universe faded into oblivion as Uruha and Aoi made their way back to Aoi's room, a room that had once belonged to the both of them. The ritualistic action of two bodies colliding perfectly on a bed, worshipping each other with endless kisses and touches were the only sounds audible. Aoi kissed Uruha like he had never kissed him before. He kissed any exposed skin presented to him in a manner that had Uruha's eyes rolling to the back of his head. It was beyond euphoric the way they touched, the evident desperation in their movements had their breath hitching repeatedly. They had never been this hungry for each other. 

"Is this okay?" Aoi suddenly asked as he started taking Uruha's shirt off. Uruha shut his eyes, a soft moan escaping his lips as he nodded. He grabbed Aoi's neck and pulled him back down to catch his lips in a heated kiss. Aoi growled against Uruha's mouth and began undoing his pants with feverish hands, _fuck the shirt._ He had missed the way Uruha kissed him, especially like this, he could almost touch the desire they both felt for each other. Being this intimate with him again felt like the missing puzzle piece in his life. 

"Aoi..." Uruha let out another breathless moan the moment he felt Aoi's mouth traveling past his jawline, that tongue he adored was now working its way to his chest. This time, Aoi removed the shirt, exposing Uruha's slender torso. "I've missed you so much." Uruha uttered, whining slightly the moment Aoi's tongue came in contact with his hardening nipple. He felt the way Aoi smiled against his flesh, he didn't know where it came from, but it was true. He missed Aoi, missed the way his lips felt, missed his touch...he just missed _him._

However, in these moments Uruha's judgment was too clouded, he wasn't aware of all of the mistakes he was committing. Blatantly betraying Kai's trust, cheating on him with the one person who had caused him so much pain. Nothing mattered, all Uruha could see and feel was Aoi. Having him there with him meant everything to him and he was willing to destroy everything if it meant he got to keep Aoi in arms a little longer. 

Soon more articles of clothing scattered on the floor and Uruha found himself on top of Aoi, straddling him, never once disconnecting from his lips. These were very familiar positions and very familiar body parts, it was all happening so fast and it felt so right. "God, Uru, you're so beautiful," Aoi groaned, he shifted his hips, feeling his painfully hard cock rubbing against Uruha in the most torturous way. "I never would've thought that I'd be holding you like this again." 

"Well, now you are." Uruha smiled once more, his chocolate brown hair sticking to his slick cheeks and body glistening softly under the moonlight that peeked from the half open curtains. He looked too enticing and Aoi couldn't wait any longer. He grabbed Uruha's waist and quickly changed their positions so he could situate himself in between his spread legs. Uruha's eyes were half open as he grabbed the pillow beneath him, Aoi leaned down to kiss him again as he pressed a finger inside of him. Uruha let out a pained moan into Aoi's mouth, he peppered more kisses to his jaw and neck, sucking on the flesh to distract him from the uncomfortable sensation in between his legs. Aoi added one more finger and then moved them slightly, he felt lightheaded from everything that had transpired. He was going to be able to take Uruha in his bed again, they were going to reenact one of their most favorite memories. It didn't feel real.

Uruha wasn't fully prepared, but Aoi had no more time to waste, he grabbed Uruha's thighs and slowly began sinking inside of him. "Aoi, oh god," Uruha grabbed onto Aoi's forearm tightly, his face contorting in pleasured pain as Aoi took his time thrusting every inch inside of his body. It wasn't registering properly in his mind, but he was actually inside of Uruha. After almost a year of not even being able to touch him, this felt like his own personal slice of heaven.

Aoi wrapped his arms around Uruha and began quickening his movements, Uruha clung to Aoi's shoulders while being pushed back and forth on the bed. Aoi pressed tender kisses to Uruha's cheek and neck, lightly nibbling on his pierced ear. "I miss your blonde hair," Aoi whispered breathlessly in his ear, "why did you get rid of it?" _To forget you, to try and get rid of anything that reminds me of you,_  Uruha thought. "Needed a change." he answered back.

He didn't dwell too much on that, instead he channeled his pent-up emotions by grabbing Aoi down and getting on top of him. Aoi gasped at the sudden change in position, and then he held on to Uruha's hips and his eyes disappeared into the back of his skull while Uruha slid down his hard and slick cock. He pressed his hands on Aoi's chest, then began moving up and down. His nails dragged down the warm flesh beneath his palms, this only urged Aoi on and he started moving his hips up to match Uruha's movements. 

"Fuck, Uruha," Aoi grunted, "feels so good baby." Uruha felt more tears sliding down his cheeks while he let Aoi fuck him. The fervent sensation began to dissipate as the effects of the alcohol wore off and reality started settling in. Uruha couldn't deny this felt good, to have Aoi here, beneath him, his strong calloused hands sliding up his chest and making him feel satisfied like he used to. It was life laughing at him once more, giving him a taste of something he could never have again. As good as everything felt in this moment, he knew that nothing good could come out of it. There was bound to be dire consequences for his reprehensible mistake.

The time came when both men couldn't hold it much longer. However, this time, things were different. Aoi grabbed Uruha once more, getting back the dominance he always wanted to possess. He pinned him down into the bed and fucked him fast and hard until he felt a little too close for comfort, and unlike in the past, Aoi pulled out and came hard all over Uruha's stomach. "Oh fuck," he cursed, "Uruha...fuck..." He nearly fell down from how strong his orgasm had been, but instead he grabbed Uruha's length and helped him reach his own end. Uruha's eyes widened at the feeling of Aoi's hand on his cock, this was the first time Aoi had ever touched him like this, he had never done this before. 

"Aoi, Aoi, I can't," Uruha cried out, "I can't...fuck." He arched off the bed and let his orgasm rush out of him, his breath quickly got taken away as Aoi reached down and kissed him, swallowing his pleasured moans. Uruha panted heavily, his chest moving up and down from how intense that had been. Never had he come that hard, not even when he was dating Aoi. This had taken everything out of him, and it felt fantastic.  

"I love you." Aoi breathed softly, he kissed Uruha's neck lovingly, petting back his mussed hair and bringing the covers up to his chest as he settled down next to him, wrapping his arms around him protectively. Aoi had never been this attentive and loving after they had sex in the past, he would always roll off of Uruha and go to sleep. Never kissing him or cuddling him before he succumbed to sleep. This baffled Uruha too much, but at this point nothing made sense so he just accepted it. Nothing about this night made any sense. 

He couldn't bring himself to say it, so Uruha remained silent as he traced random patterns on Aoi's arm, this felt too similar to how sex would end for him and Kai, and suddenly he was thinking about Kai again and everything he had done behind his back. He was supposed to be home by now, in bed with his boyfriend, with the man he loved. But instead he was here, in the arms of a man that had betrayed him...and now Uruha knew that he was the one betraying Kai. 

"Can you stay?" Aoi asked, he pressed his lips to Uruha's neck and tightened his grip on his body. 

"I think I should go." Uruha whispered back, "Kai is expecting me to-..."

"Don't go, please stay. Just tonight."

Uruha sighed, truth be told, he didn't want to leave. For the longest time all he wanted was this. He wanted his old life back, he wanted _his_ Aoi back. But now it felt wrong to want that, he had a life with Kai, and he felt happy. But now the only thing he could feel were conflicting emotions. Regardless of his apprehension, Uruha agreed to stay. The damage had been done, and he wanted to savor this moment a little longer.

That night, Uruha barely slept. He spent most of the night just staring at the ceiling, feeling as his heart skipped a beat every time Aoi brushed up against him or rested his hand on his stomach. He didn't know if he could handle doing it again, the guilt had begun to eat him alive and he just wanted to leave. But something kept tugging at him to stay, he watched Aoi as he slept, and even dared to reach over and gently caress his face. Uruha could feel his heart ripping each second he was there, he didn't know what this meant. Would Aoi wake up the next morning and still feel the same? Or will he go back to treating Uruha the same way he had been treating him? Uruha couldn't deny that he had briefly imagined leaving Kai for Aoi, but he quickly took that back and regretted ever even fathoming the idea. He knew how temperamental Aoi was, and more than likely, he'd wake up in the morning and forget everything he had said the night prior.

The moment the first light of the day shone through the open curtains, Uruha shot up out of the bed and made his way to the bathroom. He made sure to be quiet and not disturb Aoi, he was too scared to face him after the night they had. 

Uruha glanced at himself in the mirror and he couldn't exactly make out who was staring back at him. He looked disheveled and his eyes were still swollen from crying the previous night. He sighed and splashed cold water on his face, he had no fucking clue how he was going to go home. How was he supposed to explain this to Kai? Lie and tell him that he was with Ruki? Uruha hated lying, he didn't want to do that to Kai, he didn't deserve that. He was running out of ideas regarding what to do, telling the truth would surely ruin his and Kai's relationship, and he wasn't ready to deal with that, not after all of the revelations made the night before. 

He peered once more around the bathroom and realized that some of his belongings were still where he had left them. Aoi hadn't thrown out his forgotten shampoo bottles and this made Uruha smile weakly. He hadn't been able to do it either, Aoi's colognes still remained with his stuff. It had been the cologne he had given Aoi on every Christmas, and it had been the scent that Uruha had been drowning in earlier, the most intoxicating scent that he missed smelling on Aoi every day of his life.

Before he got dressed, Uruha looked over at Aoi who was still sleeping soundly and had a small smile present on his lips, and he felt as his heart ached and throbbed for the millionth time that day. Uruha couldn't lie, especially not to himself, he still loved Aoi. And watching him sleep and having to leave made his heart break, knowing that once he left and the door closed behind him, that it would be done. He knew he couldn't go through with leaving Kai, it wouldn't be fair and not only that, but he wasn't sure if Aoi meant everything he said. Uruha felt like his head was ready to explode. He dressed quickly and then dared to look in his pocket for his forgotten phone.

_15 Missed Calls and 30 New Text Messages_

Uruha's heart dropped as he realized they were all from Kai. His battery was dangerously low and he knew if he called, his phone would die. He couldn't dare to read the messages, he shut his phone off and then left the apartment. Luckily, the walk from Aoi's apartment to his apartment was around fifteen minutes and that would give him plenty of time to think. 

How was he going to explain what happened? Uruha felt defeated as he walked home, it took everything out of him to be walking, he felt exhausted. Both his mind and body ached, an impending headache was beginning to make its presence known and he just couldn't deal anymore. Luckily, he also had his wallet, so he stopped at a nearby convenience store and got a soda, it was better than nothing, he thought.

The day was beginning to look beautiful. The sun had begun to peak through, and the birds had commenced their daily hymns. As much as the day wanted Uruha to smile, he couldn't bring himself to do it. He felt empty inside, everything was slowly falling apart, and now more than ever he wished he could run away and never come back. He would be saving both Kai and Aoi a lot of pain, as much as he didn't deserve it, Aoi was still someone Uruha cared about and the prospect of hurting him made Uruha feel even worse. 

As he neared his apartment, Uruha took a long breath of fresh air and then pulled his phone out, he couldn't do this. Not now, and probably never if he could.

Using the last bit of battery from his phone Uruha quickly dialed a taxi and then waited for it to come get him. His phone made it just in time, when the man hung up, his phone died. The cab arrived rather quickly and Uruha hopped in. He just needed some breathing room.

"Where to?" The cab driver asked.

Uruha gave him an address. His parent's house. He knew he could hide out there for a while, he didn't have it in him to confront his demons. Running away felt like the most sensible thing to do. 

It was funny really, whenever Uruha felt overwhelmed, scared or empty, he would talk to Kai. He would always talk him off the ledge. Kai had become Uruha's one and only strength, and in this moment, he couldn't even turn to him. He had hit a dead end and the sky above looked as ominous as what lay behind him. 

Right now, he was alone and needed to fend off the demons on his own, no one else would be there to pick up the pieces, it would all be on him.  


	8. Chapter 8

Stepping into an empty apartment without Uruha made Kai feel strange. There weren't many times where he'd be separated from his lover. And tonight, of all nights it felt too odd to be away from him. Kai felt something gnawing inside of him, making him think that perhaps leaving Uruha unattended with Ruki would spell trouble. But he wanted to believe that he had nothing to worry about. Kai trusted Uruha, he knew he would be fine. Despite how much he trusted him, he was always going to have his doubts.

Kai knew how Uruha could get when he drank, he'd become as vivid as a wildfire, with nothing being able to stop his fiery rampage. He feared Uruha getting into trouble, his judgment could get impaired and that's when mistakes were prone to happening.

Reluctantly, he began remembering one incident when they had been at a release party, Aoi and Uruha were still together at that point and Kai remembered sitting by himself at a empty table, tipping back free alcohol and watching as Aoi and Uruha faked smiles for the crowd. He remembered when later in the night Uruha had come to join him outside for a smoke, very evident that he had drank too much, as he reeked of the pungent liquid. It was a wonder how he was still standing, but Kai merely shrugged it off. Blatantly uncomfortable with being alone with Uruha so inebriated.

_"Has anyone told you what kissable lips you have?"_ Uruha laughed drunkenly as he traced Kai's lips with his fingers, Kai tried pushing him away but Uruha pinned him against the wall without hesitation. Kai wasn't sure what took over him in that moment as he wrapped his arms around him, afraid of losing the small amount of warmth he was being afforded. It felt nice to have the root of all of his frustrations pressing against him, despite the liquor that laced Uruha's mouth and the mistake he was making.

Next thing he felt were two plush lips pressing against his own, and he didn't remember why, but he kissed him back, feeling intoxicated by the way Uruha's lips moved against his. Kai dared to grab Uruha and switch their positions so he was pressing him against the wall instead. He'd never forget the way the other moaned into his mouth, how his hand pressed itself flush to Kai's groin, no, he'd never forget. No matter how hard he tried to suppress the memory, he could never forget the way he got to taste Uruha before he was ever his. Their kiss was forbidden and the adrenaline of it all felt wonderful, and that alone had Kai wanting to rush back to the bar and stop Uruha from anything he could possibly do.

_If he only knew how late he already was._

The drive to his parent's house felt long and grueling. Uruha tried sleeping, tried forgetting, but he couldn't. He could still feel Aoi's hands on him, the way they touched him in foreign ways, the damn scent that managed to linger no matter how much Uruha tried rubbing at his skin. He felt disgusting for what he had allowed himself to do, in that moment he felt out of control, the only thing deciding for him were his hormones and and the damn alcohol. The familiar sense of dread crawled up his spine when he thought of Kai. How could he ever go back to him after he had allowed himself to be touched by Aoi? By the man that had ruined him. It was an impossible task.

Uruha cradled his phone and his broken spirit into his childhood home. Not even greeting his mother when he walked in, he felt ashamed, not worthy of looking into his mother's eyes when he had committed such a sordid mistake.

"Kouyou? What's wrong?" His mother asked, worry too present in her voice, "what happened? Kouyou, please speak to me." 

"I can't, no, mom," Uruha nearly broke down, stopping at the middle of the stairs to finally gaze down at his mother, "I can't right now, please. I can explain later." And with that, he stepped inside his room with his head bowed in utter shame. Words couldn't express how disappointed he felt in himself. He carelessly threw his phone on his bed and then broke out into hysterical tears. The previous night flashing before his eyes in the cruelest way, the way Aoi had smiled at him, the way he had completely forsaken all sense of right and wrong.

Rage began coursing through his veins as he pushed everything off of his dresser in a violent manner. Sending Aoi's cologne and various other small reminders plummeting to the hardwood floor. The bottle smashed and the small particles of glass flew everywhere, but Uruha didn't care. He fell to the floor with a loud thud, face pressed against his hands as he sobbed uncontrollably. Why had he been so stupid? His life was finally heading into the right direction, and he went and fucked everything up. Idiot. 

He felt like he was finally getting over Aoi, he felt he was healing from all of the emotional torment he had been put through. But the events that took place the previous night only ripped open every wound he had been trying to heal. Uruha couldn't lie to himself, he had enjoyed it and that alone had him shivering with disgust in himself. He was supposed to be loyal to Kai, right? His heart allegedly belonged to him, but when he was in Aoi's arm, his heart wondered elsewhere.

Sleep came almost immediately. Uruha didn't know what else to do, resting seemed like the only sensible thing. He had charged his phone and put it on silent. It would be unbearable to try and speak to Kai today, he figured the longer he isolated himself the better the situation could get. Only things never worked out that way, the longer you allowed something to linger, the more it would fester and slowly wither away.

The hour he slept was plagued with a myriad of different dreams, none of them made any sense, but Uruha understood the metaphors. He woke up suddenly around 9am, looking around the room and seeing that his mother had placed tea that had previously been hot on the dresser. He felt like an asshole for not telling his mother anything, for keeping her in the dark when she was the only person who he ever felt comfortable speaking to. He felt like he could tell her anything, feeling no need to hide any aspect of his life, because she always made him feel accepted and at ease. She had supported him through his toughest moments and in this specific moment of emotional torment, he couldn't bring himself to tell her anything.

Uruha decided to take a lonely walk through the neighborhood, he needed to think about everything, especially about what would come next. He found solace in his parent's quiet neighborhood, he needed desperately to release all of the pent-up anger and remorse in his body. Uruha reminisced about when he would sneak out at night when he was younger, a rebellious child who would take alcohol from his parent's cabinet and then choke on the harsh liquid as he sat in the woods with Reita, telling stories and speaking of dreams they knew would never come to fruition. Uruha felt the pangs of nostalgia work their way through his body as he passed the familiar spots where he'd play soccer with his best friend, during a time when his only worry was doing well in school and hoping to impress the opposite sex. He laughed bitterly at that memory, those things had certainly changed.

He hadn't been prepared for the hardships that life had thrown his way. He believed that when he moved to Tokyo, that his life would be perfect. He'd play the guitar while Reita played the bass, and the only problems they'd have then would be the lack of sleep from the rigorous ritual of playing music. When his life changed and he joined a band with a successful future, he felt invincible. Uruha could tackle anything thrown his way, and he'd handle it without any complications. But suddenly, everything changed the moment he let his emotions get the better of him. The moment he let his guard down and fell into the bottomless abyss that others called love. That damned thing.

By the time he made it back home the sun had begun to shine brilliantly, those rays of warm sunshine felt good as they hit Uruha's skin, the chill of the air cooled down his fiery blood, he felt as a rush of relief washed over him as he walked home. He had thought about certain things and even though he felt apprehensive about returning to the city, he knew he had to sooner rather than later.

"Kouyou!" His mother exclaimed, standing up the minute he walked through the back door, she was by herself drinking coffee, her eyes swollen and a worried smile on her face as she saw her son. "I was so worried about you, where did you go?" Uruha sighed and hugged her apologetically, he wrapped his arms around her frail body, tears rushing out immediately as he kissed the top of her head. 

"I'm sorry," he wept, "I'm so sorry."

***

"Uruha," Kai's voice filtered through the living room, "please pick up. I've been calling you and calling you, where are you? Please, please tell me where you are." _Please tell me you didn't do anything stupid._ He pressed the end call button on his phone and sighed loudly, tossing the device carelessly on the couch. He had been calling, texting, leaving messages, but nothing. He had figured that Uruha spent the night at Ruki's place, but the moment his phone went straight to voicemail, he knew something was wrong. Uruha was never one to turn his phone off, and that worried Kai beyond belief, it was both a gift and curse, as his mother would say. But in moments like these, it felt like the most wretched curse.

It was nearing 11am and Kai had still heard nothing from Uruha. He sat by himself on the couch, chain-smoking and looking at his phone constantly, hoping his boyfriend would resurface. He felt his heart aching as the minutes dragged by and he worried himself sick thinking where Uruha could be. Did he drink too much and is now passed out somewhere? Is he somewhere eating something and perhaps charging his phone? Is he really with Ruki? The questions continued to come, and the lack of answers began to drive Kai mad. He feared the worst in situations like these. He didn't want to think about the ugly possibilities. But in these moments, it seemed like those were the only answers.

The night he was forced to spend alone had been the oddest night Kai had experienced in a long time. He remembered coming home, nearly toppling over from his migraine and the many alcoholic beverages coursing through his body. He threw himself haphazardly on the bed and closed his eyes, hoping to just sleep through the entire night and wake up with Uruha in his arms. That thought had him falling into a deep slumber, a faint smile present on his lips as he began to dream about the way Uruha had kissed him last, the way those lips always seemed to be full of promises. The certain kind of promises that would have them ending up on the floor wrapped in their bed sheets worshiping one another. Those dreams played out first in Kai's mind, but eventually they began to fade into oblivion and soon another filmstrip started playing in the depths of Kai's brain.

An ocean, vast and cerulean, waves that crashed into each other in an elegant dance. Kai could almost breathe in the salty air, could feel the microscopic granules caressing his flesh. He glanced out into the horizon, spotting a familiar figure gently swaying in the water, he could see the luscious locks of honey blonde hair as the setting sun played with the tresses. Kai wanted to run into the ocean, he wanted to be near Uruha, but the moment he felt his feet moving towards the edge of the water, something stopped him. The skies turned black with faint hints of navy, the waves now ferocious as they smashed into the darkening murky water. Kai screamed, but no sound came out. He attempted to run, but no movements followed. That's when everything suddenly stopped as he noticed the onyx haired man next to Uruha, he could only watch as they floated away into nothingness. The sky darkened more until nothing could be visible anymore and a roar of thunder brought Kai back to reality. He sat up on the bed, his chest heaving up and down as he tried to wake up, that dream...it felt so real, so tangible. Kai felt his heart sink to the bottom of his chest as he tried to shut out those images. It couldn't be, it just couldn't. But as he touched Uruha's side of the bed and found it empty, for a split second the possibility of it being real flashed through his mind. _Maybe_ it could be.

"Ruki," Kai mumbled groggily, he rubbed his eyes as he fumbled with the coffee machine, clearly, he was up too early to function. "Ruki pick up dammit!" He shut the phone off with an angry press and then he buried his face in his hands. How could such an innocent night turn into something so emotionally draining? Kai felt defeated and unable to process much. His only worry was finding Uruha, the thought of him being alone out there frightened him to no end. 

Kai finished his third cup of coffee and suddenly his phone began blaring on the table. He nearly jumped up as he picked up his phone, frantically answering, "Hello? Uruha?" 

"What?" Ruki yawned loudly as an amused laugh escaping his mouth, "why would this be Uruha? He's with you, duh."

Kai swallowed thickly, his stomach sunk as Ruki said these words. If Uruha wasn't with Ruki, then who did he go with? Reita had left with Kai, he had made sure to take him home safely. 

"Hello?" Ruki yawned once more, "you've been calling me all morning and now you won't say a word. What's up?"

"Uruha isn't with me." Kai answered honestly.

He could tell by the way Ruki's breathing hitched that he wasn't expecting that answer, "What..." he whispered, "where is he, Kai?"

"How am I supposed to know? You were the one that begged to stay at the bar, you should've been with him all night. How did you lose him?"

Ruki sighed exasperatedly, his voice low and the usual cattiness he possessed was nowhere to be found, "I don't...I don't know," he droned off, "one moment he was with me and the next moment I don't remember what happened, but I was home."

Kai could feel his blood boiling at what Ruki was saying, without needing to say it, Kai knew that Ruki had gone home, leaving Uruha to fend for himself. This wasn't the first time he had done that. Many times when they went out drinking, Ruki would get bored and just leave, never telling anyone anything about his whereabouts. "Let me get this straight," Kai began, checking himself to make sure he didn't blow up, "you wanted to stay, dragged Uruha into it, got him drunk and then just vanished?!"

"He drank on his own accord!" Ruki's voice rose an octave, "I fucked up, okay? I don't remember what happened but I probably shouldn't have left him. But knowing him, he probably checked himself into a nice hotel and is sleeping safe and sound."

"Well no fucking shit Ruki!" Kai rolled his eyes, clutching the phone tightly threatening to break it, "You shouldn't have left him, period. I have no way of contacting him, he shut his phone off or it's dead."

Ruki went silent as Kai told him this, he immediately felt the inevitable guilt crawling up his spine. It couldn't be, Uruha's phone probably had died and he would resurface at any moment. But then Ruki thought about the other possibility, and that had him swallowing hard. He knew how careless Uruha could be when drunk, careless in the sense of his emotions, and he feared that he had shown up at Aoi's doorstep. Ruki quickly shook his head, not wanting to think of that possibility. But he knew Uruha too well, and something told him that he knew exactly where Uruha could be.

"I'm sorry Kai," Ruki finally said, "but I have to go." And with that the line went dead. Kai grunted in response, not appreciating how Ruki had cut him off like that. He felt like Ruki knew something he didn't and that only added to his worry. Anytime the thought of what Uruha could have done played in Kai's mind, he was quick to tune it out. He wasn't going to give in that easily, he couldn't let the bad thoughts and insecurity win. The love he felt for Uruha overcame any obstacle in his way, he wanted to keep fighting, to prove himself to the one person who could break him and then pull him back together as if it were an art. Kai believed in his love for Uruha, it was the only thing that ever made sense to him, the only thing that made him believe that good things could happen. It had become the only thing he allowed himself to believe in.

***

"Would you like another cup of tea?" Uruha's mother asked softly, she lightly traced her frail finger down Uruha's tear stained cheek, her heart breaking by the state of her son. Uruha shook his head weakly, his eyes swelling up again as more tears kept wanting to rush out like an unrelenting cascade. He felt weak and vulnerable as he sat with his mother, they had spent the entire morning together, Uruha not speaking as his mother just held on to him. She knew better than to ask any questions, she knew her son and he would speak when he felt he was ready. 

"What..." Uruha's voice nearly cracked, "what am I-I supposed to d-do when I've g-given every part of m-myself to someone a-and I c-can't get any of it b-back?" He looked at his mother after finally speaking and the look painted on her face only made more tears fall down. 

She placed her hands on Uruha's hands, the feeling of her warm touch on his frigid skin felt comforting. "I would say that you need to claim yourself back," she answered, her eyes catching the small specks of sunlight that shone through the window. "When someone isn't deserving of every piece of you, you need to regain what's yours. You are too important to lose yourself and everything that you are. Your soul, your heart, those are things we share temporarily. But they're always going to belong to you." She smiled gingerly and squeezed her son's hands. 

Uruha's tears suddenly turned into tears of gratitude, he knew he didn't deserve a woman like his mother. She was always so kind and understanding, and he felt he wasn't worthy of any of it. "I don't feel important," Uruha said honestly, "I feel like I'm not important to anyone."

His mother shook her head, tears escaping her own eyes, "You're important to me, Kouyou," she said as she quickly wiped the moisture from her eyes, "you're my only son, you're the little flower I've been growing and continue to grow every day of my life. I know you're in pain and there's nothing I want to do more than to take the pain away from you. Just know that whatever is troubling you won't take anything away from you. You are in charge of your own fate and you have all the pieces of you, here." she placed her hand gently on Uruha's heart, "You've always been the flower in my garden that refused to stay in its pot, you grew everywhere. And even now, your flowers haven't stopped blooming."

Uruha laid down on his bed, his heart beating steadily as he tried to shut his mind off for a while. He had taken in everything his mother had told him, it had struck a chord in him and he felt better after opening up to her, though he hadn't told her exactly what had really happened, he felt like deep down his mother knew. She didn't approve of his infidelity, Uruha was sure, but he knew that she wanted him to chase what his heart most desired. He remembered how in his moments of pure agony intertwined with rage Kai had been there to hold him and take away every emotional dagger that punched into Uruha's chest. The memories of Kai holding him on the kitchen floor as he cried over the painful reminders that had still lingered in his apartment replayed in his mind. When no one else was there for him, Kai had been there. Even before they had made any romantic advances towards each other, Uruha remembered how Kai had never left his side. 

When the time finally came for Uruha to say his good-byes to his mother he felt his heart beating harshly against his rib cage at the prospect of what was yet to come, he didn't feel ready to face the truth, but deep down he knew that the longer he kept waiting the worse it would get. He hadn't mustered up the courage to check his phone, without needing to see it, he knew that he would have a million calls and voice mails from Kai, and the guilt only worsened at that. 

"Please let me know you got home safe, Kouyou." His mother hugged him and kissed him one last time and reluctantly let go, she couldn't deny the pain she still felt from seeing her son like this. From the bottom of her heart she hoped that he would make the right decision, the decision that would keep him from getting hurt further. Uruha hadn't said anything, but she knew this involved Kai and Aoi, and she had seen the way Kai looked at him, the raw and honest love he felt for Uruha made her believe that her son had finally found the person who would accept him and love him with no restrictions, she hoped that Uruha could see this as well.

The cab ride back to his apartment was soothing in a way. Uruha gazed out the window, feeling his worries fly away with the leaves that danced carelessly in the wind. The new year quickly approached and that usually brought on a sense of change and prosperity for most people, but Uruha only ever saw it as reminder of the difficulties he couldn't overcome. The welcoming of a new year incited his desire for change, and each year the changes never came. Until the day when he had split from Aoi, that was a change he never wanted to embrace. And now, another year would soon come where he'd have to accept not having Aoi in his life anymore.

***

"You're ridiculous," Ruki scoffed, "Uruha is going to show up, you're just making up dumb scenarios in your head." Ruki had shown up at the apartment awhile after he had hung up, Kai could tell that Ruki was worried as well, but the vocalist did a good job at covering up his nerves and feelings. He had made himself at home as he fixed himself a cup of coffee and joined a somber Kai on the couch. His eyes nervously scanning Kai's face and hoping he wasn't too torn up, he didn't mean to be like this in situations that were difficult, he just couldn't bring himself to think of anything bad happening to his friend.

"It's almost nighttime," Kai whispered, peering out of the window beside the couch, the sky turning a pale shade of blue black as the sun said its final goodbye for the day. "He should've been home already." He stood up, dragging his feet lazily into the kitchen. He had spent all day on the couch holding his phone in the event that Uruha did call. He had been thankful that Ruki volunteered to stay with him, it felt nice to have his company. Regardless of the situation, he felt gratitude that Ruki had been with him, even if it had been his fault.

Ruki followed Kai into the kitchen, feeling his own shame trailing behind him. "I texted Reita again to see if he's heard anything but he hasn't," Ruki said as he sat down on the kitchen counter, he was lying through his teeth and could never see himself telling Kai the truth. Ruki had gone to Aoi's house soon after Kai told him that Uruha had gone missing. Ruki wasn't an idiot, he knew his best friend, knew the kind of dumb shit he was prone to doing, but when he showed up at Aoi's place he was shocked to find it empty. The spare key Aoi had given him for emergencies had allowed him to invade Aoi's privacy, but instead of walking into a scene he'd rather forget, he walked into nothing. His worry only intensified then.

 Kai didn't seem to pay Ruki any mind as he continued rummaging through the fridge, he grabbed himself a cold beer and gulped it down effortlessly. "He...he told me that he asked Aoi," Ruk'is voice diminished to a whisper as Aoi's name escaped his lips and he noticed the change in Kai's demeanor immediately, that part he had definitely heard, "but nothing."

Kai shuddered at the wave of anger that traveled down his spine at the sound of Aoi's name. He finished drinking the beer and then squeezed the can as hard as he could with one hand, making Ruki raise an eyebrow in both fear and amusement. "Don't hurt yourself," Ruki chuckled, but quickly stopped as Kai shot him a dangerous look. "It's not my business anyway." 

"Ruki," Kai cut him off, the small amount of strength left in him helped him keep his composure, "sometime ago you told me that you hoped everything would be okay between Uruha and I, and the way you said that has stayed with me. There was something about the way you said it, what did you mean by it?"

Ruki's body language changed immediately as he shifted uncomfortably in the spot where he sat. "I don't even remember what I did last night," he answered with a forced laugh, "how can I remember that?"

"I know for a fact that you remember."

The tone of Kai's voice had him not wanting to say another word, but it seemed that he would not falter, and the way he asked had him suspecting too many things. "I-I said that because it's true," Ruki nearly whispered, "I want you and Uruha to be together, you're good for each other. But I wasn't lying when I said he's stubborn. And especially not when I said he loves fiercely..."

"But what does that mean?" Kai cut him off, "I know he's stubborn, but why would you tell me that?" _I don't know if he loves me the way I love him,_ he added bitterly in his mind. 

Ruki looked around feverishly, wishing desperately that he could escape, "Kai, I..." He wanted to tell Kai the truth, that Uruha's heart belonged to Aoi, Ruki knew, he wasn't blind. He knew Uruha better than anyone and the way he would still look at Aoi let him know that his heart still belonged to him, as cruel and as terrible as it was, there wasn't much he could do about it. Ruki felt like Kai deserved to know, but not from him, he deserved to hear the truth from Uruha.

Before Ruki could say another word, the door to the apartment creaked open and both Kai and Ruki made their way towards the entrance. There they saw Uruha quietly closing the door and carrying himself in a way that let them know he wasn't okay. "Uruha!" Kai couldn't take it anymore as he rushed over to his lover, he squeezed him tightly, burying his face in Uruha's neck and holding him, too afraid to let go. No matter how upset Kai was for not knowing where he had been, the only thing he could focus on was that he was finally home. Safe in his arms.

"God, I was worried sick about you," Kai kissed Uruha's neck and felt as the other only clung to him, sobbing quietly as he squeezed Kai's torso. "Uru, what's wrong?" Kai finally looked at Uruha, his own eyes swelling up with tears as he took in Uruha's disheveled appearance. He could tell that he had been crying for hours and this made Kai's stomach tighten into a knot.

"Not...not now," Uruha whispered weakly, he pressed his face against Kai's chest, feeling those lips he missed so much pressing a tender kiss to his head. "I'm sorry Kai, I love you." Kai understood, Uruha looked exhausted and he needed to relax before anything else. He had his own questions that would hopefully get their much-deserved answers soon enough. "I love you." Kai answered pressing his lips tentatively against Uruha's, he was relieved when he wasn't turned down and instead Uruha kissed him back with a passion that had Kai gasping slightly.

"Again, with this shit?!" Ruki exclaimed playfully, "how many times do I have to tell you two to get a room?" 

Uruha couldn't help the glare that he shot Ruki, he had no energy left in him to argue, but he wasn't going to forget. "Asshole." He mumbled under his breath. But Ruki heard it and instead of trying to defend himself he accepted defeat and decided it was time for him to leave. 

Once Uruha and Kai were finally alone, Kai found himself wanting to continue touching and kissing Uruha, being deprived of him the previous night only added to the fervor he felt for him. All feelings of anger and worry vanished as he felt Uruha's hands on his heated flesh. It seemed like anytime they had any arguments the only way they could make it up to one another was under the covers. It had almost become ritualistic, the way their bodies would have that inherent need to release all of their energy with passionate kisses and sensitive touches. 

"Uruha..." Kai moaned out in delirium as Uruha's kisses traveled down towards his neck, he needed to forget the night prior, he wanted to show Kai how much he needed him, that primal instinct of claiming what belonged to him spread through Uruha's blood. Kai was his, and he needed to let go and allow himself to be Kai's. Uruha's eyes shut tightly as he grabbed Kai's hand and guided him towards their bedroom, this was theirs, a nest they had built together. 

In rare moments like these Uruha felt another part of himself possess his body, the part of himself that was never afraid to be bold and take back all control. A part of himself that had never seen the light of day when he was with Aoi. The rush of adrenaline almost startled him, but it felt right, it felt good to finally grasp on to what was so foreign to him. Uruha kissed Kai in the same way he had kissed Aoi not even a day ago, he could still feel those plush lips against him, the way it felt to lose control. He almost missed the way he could succumb to Aoi so effortlessly, the effect he had on him frightened him.

Uruha wanted to feel like someone could rival him, he wanted to be dominated and though he didn't want to, he continued thinking about Aoi, about how he could take him and bring him to his knees with a mere look. Uruha bit down on his bottom lip at the memories, his body reacting to the sensation and moving against Kai. "Please..." he breathed out desperately, "please give me what I want." He almost wanted to retract his words, but then waited for Kai's response nervously.

"What do you want, Uruha?"

I want him, I want what he can give me. Yet, I want to belong to _you._

But I _never_ will.


	9. Chapter 9

For the first time in their relationship Kai had rolled over and gone to sleep after they made love. There hadn't been any more words shared after Kai asked Uruha what he wanted from him, the question had been vague, but it had many interpretations. A sense of dread had lingered between them, but the need to have Uruha in his arms overrode anything negative in Kai's mind. Uruha felt the wind knocked out of him after they went through the familiar motions of Kai taking him, his face akin to a stranger in the darkness and his body numb to any type of feeling. It was the first time he felt like he couldn't be present during sex with Kai, everything around him felt wrong. When it was over he stared at Kai's back in the dimness of the room and felt as each moment withered away, the more he tried to reach out to touch Kai, the more he'd fade away. Uruha felt himself dwelling in the shadows, screaming Kai's name, darkness engulfed him, and nothing more. 

It had taken all of Uruha's strength to not wake Kai up and demand an explanation. He didn't like the silence, abhorred ever feeling like he was being shut out. But, wasn't he doing the same thing? 

He stood up and stumbled into the bathroom, the small window lit up with the faintest hint of an impending sunrise. Uruha sighed loudly, he turned the faucet on, letting the freezing water run down his hands, he trembled slightly but splashed the water on his face. Uruha felt broken, felt as if he was watching himself from the outside. His actions becoming volatile and unable to be stopped. Every second he kept the secret of what he had done from Kai, he felt himself living in a nightmare. Uruha hated how the broken flashbacks reminded him of what he had done. 

How had it been so simple to fall down again? How had it been so simple to let Aoi in again, to let him continue to destroy the already broken pieces of Uruha's heart? It was punishment, he thought. For all the time he spent lying to Kai, for letting him believe that he had a chance to fix the damage and pick up the rubble. Uruha knew he could never be whole again, he knew his irreparable heart would always belong to a fate that would only ever bring him misery and pain. 

How could love be such a damnable thing? 

 _"Sometimes when I look at the sky at night, I get lost in the stars,"_ _Uruha_ _smiled sheepishly as he huddled closer to Aoi, it was a beautiful night, and the stars twinkled and lit up the path where they walked. "I pretend I'm there, and sometimes you're there with me."_  

 _Aoi stopped walking and faced_ _Uruha_ _, his lips forming a sincere smile, something that had become too rare for him, "Is that so?" He asked, "What do you and I do there?"_  

 _"You're just there with me,"_ _Uruha_ _chuckled, "Holding my hand, walking with me through the Milky Way, you know, making time stop for_ _a_ _while_ _..." He looked at Aoi with eyes that mimicked the ethereal glow of the stars, his heart fluttering as Aoi got closer to him and closed the distance between them._  

 _"Time always stops when I'm with you." Aoi whispered, his hands cradling_ _Uruha's_ _face and kissing him harder._   

 _Time always stops when I'm with you,_ Uruha remembered the painful memory vividly. His eyes watered, sore and swollen from all the crying he had already done. That night had been the first time he realized he was in love with Aoi. He always stored that memory away in the back of his mind, it had once brought him endless joy but now all he felt was sorrow. Uruha felt foolish now for ever thinking Aoi could truly love him; he remembered how that night he gave Aoi his heart and Aoi promised to love him until every last star in the galaxy died, he should've known it was too good to be true. It felt now like every star had died in Uruha's world. Time never stopped, time was wasted and now time felt like the enemy. 

Uruha had wanted it all, wanted Aoi's love and attention, but also wanted Kai's patience and protection. He had become infatuated with the way Kai treated him, even when he was still with Aoi, it was what had sparked Uruha's interest when his world had begun crumbling around him. When the fights with Aoi became more frequent, when their intimacy became nonexistent, Uruha looked elsewhere for something to fill the gaps. He had been selfish for wanting it all. He wanted Kai to continue giving him the gestures that at times held too much intimacy for a pair of friends. But Uruha also wanted to keep Aoi with him above all else, he couldn't fathom letting him go. 

How his life had fallen apart again in a year's time baffled Uruha. They were two weeks away from the new year, too close to a time when he lost everything, including himself. Nothing mattered anymore, Uruha pondered the idea of just getting his things and leaving. He wanted to protect Kai from any more pain, finally letting him go. Letting him find new happiness with a person who could give Kai the world he deserved.  

Tears streamed down Uruha's face as he gathered every last drop of energy in his body and slammed his fist as hard as he could against the mirror above the sink. He cried out from the pain as shards of glass cut through his knuckles, the porcelain sink splattered with blood, and Uruha let the pain sink in, he wanted to feel something other than the internal agony. 

"Uruha!" Kai exclaimed as he rushed to the bathroom, he saw the blood dripping down Uruha's hand and grabbed him, holding his injured hand above his head. "What are you doing? What happened?" 

Uruha didn't know if his tears were from the pain or from seeing Kai's worried face. He fell to the floor with a loud thud, burying his face in his hands, not caring about the blood staining his clothes and the floor. "Please talk to me, baby," Kai murmured, he joined Uruha on the floor, the turmoil inside of Uruha's head was undeniable and he tried to be understanding, "Uru?" 

"I'm sorry," Uruha's voice cracked, "I'm so sorry about everything, Kai, please." He threw his arms around Kai's neck, breathing in the scent he had come to know and adore.  

"Sorry about what? About vanishing yesterday? Uru, I don't care about that now," Kai pulled away, kissing Uruha's forehead reassuringly, "I only care that you're safe." But Kai did care about that, he had too many questions burning in the back of his mind, but the time to ask questions would come later. 

"You had me worried sick, and seeing you so disheveled scared me and I was at a loss for what to do," Kai held on to Uruha's bloody hand, the pain had numbed some and somewhere deep down, Uruha wished he could feel more of it, he deserved it. "You don't need to feel bad for it now, it's done and now you're here, safe in my arms." 

"I don't deserve you," Uruha murmured, a sad smile curving on his lips, "I love you." 

"I love you so much, you deserve the world," Kai gently kissed Uruha's lips that were dry and cracked from him not hydrating and not taking care of himself, it was a sight that continued to make Kai's heart ache no matter the circumstances. That only made Uruha feel worse, the pit in his stomach deepening more and more. "Here." Kai carefully grabbed Uruha's torso, urging him to wrap his arms around his neck.  

"What are you doing?" Uruha asked tiredly, he let Kai pick his slender body off the ground and carried him bridal style towards their bedroom, "I can walk, you don't need to do this." 

"I want to do it," Kai smiled, placing a sweet kiss to Uruha's cheek, "I'll bandage up your hand and then we can have a lazy day, just you and I, maybe we can get some food delivered?" 

Uruha felt the familiar sensation of the safety only Kai could provide to him wash through his aching body. It was agony and bliss, because he knew sooner or later, he'd have to confess the truth, and risk losing everything... 

*** 

"I think we've watched every movie on that app," Uruha commented, he stretched his legs out on the couch, leisurely placing them over Kai's lap and smiling when Kai rubbed his legs affectionately. "We could catch up on that show we stopped watching." He laughed when he realized Kai wasn't listening to him, the remote in his hand being constantly abused by his thumb.  

"Eh, I think we've watched every movie on this damn thing." Kai groaned, tossing the remote on the coffee table. Uruha rolled his eyes heavenward, he wasn't going to bother telling Kai that he had just mentioned the same thing. He figured they were over watching TV anyway, it was nearing 9pm and all they had done all day was lounge on their oversized couch watching movie after movie, pausing for an intermission to get snacks and have the occasional cigarette. Uruha loved when he and Kai did nothing all day, when they didn't have to worry about their hectic schedules and they could just enjoy each other's company. He had momentarily forgotten everything, being with Kai always helped Uruha get his mind off of every single thing in his mind, no matter how troublesome the problems he was ignoring were.  

"Are you hungry? I could order us some actual food and not just chips and soda." Kai laughed as he massaged Uruha's leg, his hand traveling up until Uruha leaned forward as much as he could and caught Kai's lips in a heated kiss. He bumped his nose endearingly and nodded, he was getting tired of eating junk all day, a nice warm meal would help settle the nerves that were beginning to creep back up Uruha's spine. 

Kai kissed Uruha once more and wondered off into their kitchen, digging around the cabinets for menus of places that delivered. Uruha sighed loudly once he was alone, bringing his knees up to his chest and clutching them tightly. He knew what he had to do, the ugly truth couldn't linger around them forever, and he knew the longer he waited, the worse the situation would get. But Uruha was enjoying his time with his boyfriend,  _his boyfriend_ , the person that would bend over backwards for him and the person Uruha feared losing more than anyone. He had already lost everything once, now what he held in his hands was on the brink of destruction as well. These moments would soon come to an end and Uruha wanted to savor each and every second before it all came crashing down like a torrential downpour.  

"I ordered Soba for you!"  

"Huh?" Uruha called out, he snapped out of the daze he was in and realized Kai had come back with a menu in hand.  

"Soba noodles are still your favorite, right? That hasn't changed?" Kai chuckled as he sat next to Uruha, "All those times we would be stuck in the studio past midnight cramming before an album and we had run out of food, I remember you'd just look at me and I already knew what you wanted me to get you. Soba noodles." 

Uruha laughed out loudly, "You know me so well, they've been my favorite since I was a child."   

"And they'll be your favorite until you're an old man," Kai's laughter was cut short as Uruha elbowed him playfully, he secretly liked when Kai teased him though, "It's good though, having consistency. I change my favorite dish probably every week, as you know." 

"Hmm, yes" Uruha hummed, "But you'll eat my cooking regardless though, especially because it's made with your favorite ingredient." 

"Which is?" 

"Love." Uruha hid a laugh behind his hand, it was cheesy but it was true. The times he cooked for Kai, he had always made sure to add extra love to whatever he whipped up, rather he took extra time with it, fussing with the food until he deemed it perfect. The food he cooked never tasted as good as Kai's, but it was the thought that counted and Kai loved him for trying.  

"That's right," Kai answered, "There's nothing quite like your love." He leaned forward and wrapped his hand gently around Uruha's throat, kissing him fervently. Uruha closed his eyes and welcomed the kiss, the way he kissed him back was almost too desperate. Kai was right beside him, yet he felt miles away, he wanted something tangible, and after the previous night, this was all he needed. Uruha whimpered softly, shutting his eyes tightly to avoid more tears, it had become a natural thing as he let his emotions wash over him. His body couldn't handle more crying though, his heart had been thoroughly distressed, and he just needed to feel loved, no matter how bad the consequences could be.  

Without disconnecting his lips from Kai's, Uruha straddled him, his hands tangling in soft brown hair and his hips moving sensually against Kai's pelvis. He felt a pair of hands running down his back slowly, urging Uruha to keep going. His kisses traveled lower, kissing and sucking on the delicate flesh of Kai's neck. Uruha moaned as he dipped his head down more, kissing exposed skin while his hands tried to undo Kai's pants. That's when suddenly, Kai stopped him, his hand wrapping around Uruha's to halt his movements.  

"The food should be here soon," Kai groaned, "I don't think we have time for this." He smirked playfully as he kissed Uruha's surprised face once more and then he resumed his position next to Uruha on the couch. It was a strange thing for Kai to deny something Uruha enjoyed doing, and something he also enjoyed getting done. He smiled once more reassuringly, though through his smile, Uruha could sense an apprehension that was never there before. It made him feel more insecure than he already did about their relationship. 

"Okay." Was all Uruha mumbled before he extended his legs out again, he could visualize a wall between he and Kai, a tall and thick wall that kept him from seeing what was right in front of him. Kai had remained attentive but it was almost as if the act of intimacy with Uruha scared him. The quick and messy tumble they had the previous night had been when Uruha realized that there was something wrong. It almost felt like Kai slept with him because he felt forced, and as they stayed home all day, it had remained the same. Kai dodging Uruha's advances, it was all too...strange. 

After a while, the food arrived, and he and Kai sat in front of the couch, both quietly eating their meals. The silence was almost awkward, and that had been something that never existed in their relationship before. There was something lingering between Uruha and Kai, something dark and ugly, ready to destroy anything in its wake. Uruha tried to ignore the feeling, he kept wishing none of this had happened. He wished he had never met Aoi...no...he didn't mean that. Uruha couldn't do it, he couldn't wrap his head around that. Instead, he wished they had remained as they were. He would agree to suffer and know the harsh truth, all while living the lie Aoi had constructed right before him. Uruha wanted his old fucked up life back as terrible as it sounded, but he also wanted... 

"Kai? Are you asleep?" Uruha looked up from the position he was in, after they finished eating, they had just decided to watch some old TV shows and remain in silence. Uruha had dozed off as he laid against Kai's shoulders, but the loud sound of the TV woke him up suddenly.  

Kai yawned, shaking his head in answer, "I was just resting my eyes." He laughed as Uruha rolled his eyes at that.  

"We should just go to bed," Uruha suggested, "It's late, don't we have that thing tomorrow?" 

"You mean band practice?" 

Uruha huffed in annoyance, he was in no mood to deal with anyone, especially Ruki. Considering how his negligence had been the main culprit in his mistake. It would be a day of faking smiles and hoping his anger wouldn't get the best of him. He also didn't want to see...him.  

They both agreed they needed to get some rest. It would do them no good to show up to practice in shitty moods and begging to go home early. They had skipped too many times already, and they both knew their manager would have their asses if they kept missing anymore band practices. With all the work they had to catch up on, it was best to show up, no matter how much they'd rather not. 

Uruha practically crawled into his side of the bed, he was tired and needed to rest but he also wanted to cuddle his boyfriend, wanted to see how Kai would react this time. Uruha was getting annoyed of being ignored, if Kai wasn't going to tell him what was wrong, then he might as well take something that he wanted. Affection, love, no matter if it was feigned or not.  

"Goodnight Uru." Kai kissed Uruha's lips once he had settled in bed too, he had ditched his shirt but kept his boxers on and this also allowed Uruha easier access. He waited until Kai turned on his side to deftly wrap his arms around him, he held on to strong biceps and inched closer until his chest was pressed against Kai's back. Uruha kissed an exposed shoulder affectionately, feeling Kai's skin shiver in the slightest bit.  

"What are you doing back there?" Kai asked groggily, he turned his head slightly, one eyebrow raised in question.  

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Uruha responded sarcastically, "Trying to cuddle you. I need some of your body heat too." 

Kai chuckled, relaxing again and letting Uruha continue to hold him. He couldn't deny it felt good to have him so close, giving him the attention and affection he had been missing. Uruha's plush mouth continued peppering small kisses to Kai's neck and back, his hands moving down towards his firm abdomen.  

A jolt of energy traveled down Kai's spine the moment he felt Uruha's hand palm his clothed cock. He wanted him to keep going, but something deep down inside of him couldn't allow that. 

"Uru s-stop," Kai groaned, "Stop, please!" 

"What?" Uruha exclaimed angrily, "Why?" He sat up, completely annoyed and beyond furious that he was being denied yet again. "What is going on with you Kai? Ever since yesterday it's as if you don't want me, like the thought of being with me disgusts you." 

"What?" Kai sat up, immediately facing him, "How could you think that Uruha?"  

"You keep denying me, pushing me away. What the hell is wrong with me? You don't want to fuck me anymore?" A long tear streamed down Uruha's face, his heart pounding incessantly in his chest.  

"It's not that, It's not," Kai sighed, "You have it all wrong." 

"Oh, do I? Then explain how I have it all wrong." 

"It's not you Uru," Kai began hesitantly, "My mind is fucked up, I've been thinking too much and too much nonsense. I want to believe that you're here, that I have my Uruha, the man I love. But something is pulling at me, convincing me that you're elsewhere, and I just have to work through this bullshit on my own. I have no choice. I feel suffocated." 

Uruha swallowed hard, the wind being painfully knocked out of him once again. Kai was right, Uruha was somewhere else, his mind littered with static and his heart broken and alone.  

"I-I am here," Uruha whispered lowly, almost too low that Kai couldn't here, but the way he leaned towards him to kiss him reassured him that he had. He felt suffocated also, all want to have Kai near him, touching him, vanished in the blink of an eye. Without saying anything else, Uruha regretfully pulled away from Kai's embrace. "I'm gonna sleep on the couch tonight."  

Kai didn't try to stop him, he let him go, even as his mind screamed at him to pull Uruha back into his arms, the only place where he truly could feel safe. Though his words had been harsh, Kai knew that Uruha needed him right now, somewhere deep down in that confusing and difficult part of his heart, he knew he shouldn't leave him be. It almost hurt more to have Uruha in his arms, that nagging feeling that something was wrong loomed over Kai's shoulder repeatedly. When would his heart know peace? 

*** 

The following morning was eerily quiet. Uruha had woken up sometime after the sun rose, he dragged his tired body into the shower, metaphorically letting the water cleanse him of the previous days. It was almost funny how Uruha always found himself in the shower after something tragic happened in his life, he always stared at the drain, wishing all his worries could drown. But those fuckers knew how to swim.  

Uruha stared at the closed bedroom door. It almost felt like a stranger slept on the other side.  

"Come on Kai, we have to be there in two hours." Uruha gently shook Kai's shoulder, receiving only a groan in response. Uruha had always enjoyed watching Kai's serene face when he slept, it made him happy when that trademark smile wouldn't leave his lips, even when he slept. But now, that smile didn't exist anymore, instead a frown had taken its place. 

"I'll be up soon." Kai groaned, he grabbed the pillow and turned on his other side, avoiding Uruha yet again. It was getting old, it really was. Uruha felt frustrated with Kai, with how he just left him in the dark. Things only seemed fine because they were good at pretending, but he knew that Kai also knew something, something unfavorable. It scared Uruha to know that Kai could very well have suspicions about what had happened two nights ago, it terrified him. 

He didn't know how much longer he was going to keep up the facade. Honesty was the best policy, but Uruha felt unready to face that demon. He could keep it under wraps for the time being, however, the longer he waited, the worst the situation would get. Both ways didn't have good outcomes.  

Once Kai got up and got ready, Uruha still couldn't shake the negative feelings from the night prior, harsh words still clinging to the side of his mind. Still for appearances, he held on to Kai's hand as they got to the studio, but that pull, that strength wasn't there anymore. He could've been holding on to the wind, and it would have felt the same.  

"About time you two showed up." Reita chuckled, his hand resting comfortably on his bass. Ruki eyed Uruha and Kai as they entered the room, the look on his face undeniably guilty and shameful.  

"Someone didn't want to get up." Uruha feigned a laugh, watching as Kai went towards his drumkit. He uttered a dry unamused laugh, he clearly wasn't in a very cheery mood.  

"Uruha," Ruki stood up from the stool beside Reita and walked over to Uruha, grabbing his arm lightly and pulling him to the side, "First of all what the hell happened to your hand?" Ruki very obviously pointed at Uruha's bandaged hand, his eyebrows furrowing. Uruha sighed, not even wanting to say anything, "I had an accident, what do you want?" 

Ruki looked unconvinced but simply moved on, "I just, I feel terrible for what I did. Leaving you like that was beyond fucked up, I can't stop thinking about what could've happened. I'm so sorry."  

Uruha wanted to feel at least an ounce of sympathy for his friend, it would've been a completely different night if Ruki had just stayed behind and eventually gone to his apartment with Ruki. There wouldn't be secrets, or lies hiding in the dark crevices of Uruha's life. It would have been okay, right? 

"I don't..." Uruha sighed, "I can't, right now I don't care about this." He waved his hand in between he and Ruki, exasperation in his voice.  

"You don't have to care, I just wanted to apologize. I was an asshole-" 

"A major one." Uruha cut in. 

Ruki rolled his eyes, a smirk threatening to slip. He nodded and just took that as Uruha accepting his apology, it was the best he was going to get anyway. Ruki's apologies were always lack luster. 

Uruha watched as Ruki walked back to sit beside Reita, his knees bumping Reita's and looking intently as he strummed random chords on his bass. It was almost intimate, and Uruha followed suit as he went to sit beside Kai, looking at him as he adjusted his equipment.  

Something seemed off though. Uruha noticed that Aoi was nowhere to be found. His guitar sitting on its stand completely abandoned. He looked around the room, nothing. He was almost temped to ask Ruki and Reita if they had heard of him and why he hadn't showed up to band practice again. He was making a habit of skipping practice almost weekly. Much to their manager's dismay.  

"I'm so tired of Aoi's shit," Almost as if he could read Uruha's thoughts, Reita exclaimed with a loud sigh, "He texts me this morning that he's sick, again! I'm so tired of his excuses." Uruha tried to pretend to care, but only shrugged. Why did he care if Aoi showed up or not? 

"I'm going to go to his house after this and confront him, something has to be up." Reita added, he seemed genuinely concerned for him, but mostly because without Aoi, the sound of the band wasn't the same. They were five, and they needed each other to make music. Uruha couldn't help but notice how Kai gripped his drumsticks in a death grip, if he squeezed a little harder, he could definitely snap them in half. He knew how much Kai despised Aoi, they kept appearances but that's all he strength he could muster up to not let things get too heated between the two of them.  

"He could die for all I care." Kai whispered nonchalantly, Uruha's head turned ridiculously fast and his eyes narrowed as he watched Kai still fussing with his drum set after that careless comment. Uruha clearly wasn't on good terms with Aoi, if anything just the mention of his name burned him. But hearing Kai utter such heartless words made the ache in his heart worst. Aoi's shadow still lingered in the corner of Uruha's eye, a part of him was still holding on to Aoi, afraid to let go, and it hurt to know how much he still thought about him. 

"Excuse me for a moment." Uruha stood up and headed for the door. He felt on the verge of tears again, his head spinning violently and his nerves on fire.  

Once outside Uruha sat on the ground, his face buried in his hands. He couldn't hold the tears back, god, it hurt, it hurt so much to know how much Aoi still affected him. How everywhere he turned he could see him, _his ghost._ Uruha wanted to scream his lungs out, scream until his chest burst. He felt like a trapped animal, nowhere to go...lost and captured, fate undecided.  

Uruha could distinctly feel a presence around him, he looked up for a moment and noticed Kai standing near the door. His face with a look Uruha had never seen on Kai's face, it was unreadable. Before he could react, Kai turned around and walked back inside. Uruha stared at his receding form, this is what it felt like. _Abandonment._ Kai had reached the end of the rope. Every step he took only separated them more and more, Uruha was too from far from him, too far from Aoi, they both were only a mirage. The reality was that Uruha was stranded in the desert, walking around aimlessly in a grave he had dug. 

Which path was he ready to take? Which path would lead him to freedom? What was worth _fighting_ for?  

His decision had been made. 

**Author's Note:**

> Wooooh, so I finally got around to finishing and posting chapter 1 of this KaixUruha story that has been running around my mind. I hope it's enjoyable, thank you for reading. always means the world to me. BTW, Chapters will get longer as the story progresses.


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